Uh...it wasn’t my fault! I swear! That darn silkpants Bu Yaolian kidnapped my sweetheart! Goddarn, I know he has a ton of money, but this has crossed the line. He actually dared kidnap Xiao Wan! If it’s not a he-die-I-live day, it’s going to be a I-live-he-die day, or a we-both-die day!
Thus, I grabbed a kitchen knife and headed over to his mansion. In front of me were two huge steel doors. I knocked thrice. Nobody came. What the hell? Is this how you treat the person who’s going to kill you, uh, deliver you to salvation?
Since no one’s answering, I guess the most awesomest thing to do would be to just kick down these two giant hunks of steel fashioned into doors….
Yup, climbing over the wall it is.
When I was three quarters of the way up the ten foot tall wall, the giant doors below me creaked open. “Halt!” A harsh voice suddenly sounded. “What in heaven’s name are you doing up there?”
Freaking hell, it was the family guards! When I knocked politely you don’t come, and finally when I decide to resort to extreme measures you show up! Stupid heavens….
Although they dragged me off the wall, I managed to put up a brave fight. I even kicked one of them in the face. Seemed like that guy was going to blow his top. Uh oh.
“Stupid brat! I will see that you shall be thrown in prison for an year!”
Very uh oh! If I get stuck in there for an year, what will happen to Xiao Wan! She will get tormented to death by those shameless bastards with no face! They will do countless unspeakable things!
As anger boiled up in me, I grabbed the kitchen knife in the folds of my clothes. I drew it, adrenaline pumping as I saw the fear conjure on their faces as they stared at the glinting of the sharp blade. “Die!” I cried, as I rushed forth, prepared to color the street crimson with the blood of my enemies.
“DIIIIIEEEEEE!” I repeated my previous words and propelled my legs forward….huh, they can’t move. What the hell is going on? The soldiers suddenly disappeared, and I was teleported to some strange room! What sort of sorcery is this?
In front of me was a familiar face. “Bu Yaolian!” I seethed with rage.
He was plugging his ears. “Plebians, truly! Screaming so uncouthly upon waking up!”
“Of course, before you teleported me here I was about to-wait...waking up?”
“Yeah, you have been...hm...how do I put it...comatose for the past five hours.”
Hmm...after thinking about it for a few seconds, there seems to have been a sharp pain at the top of my head, and I suddenly ended up here...Don’t tell me its-
“I was knocked out in one blow?” I grimaced. This...was too shameful. I can’t show my face in town anymore, lest I become the town’s laughingstock.
“To be more precise, you tried to stab a guard, missed, and hit your head on the wall behind them.”
Oh god! If this got out, I wouldn’t be only the laughingstock of this town, but the whole entire world! The shame! The torture!
Bu Yaolian looked at me with a disgusted expression. “Will you stop writhing around on the ground like a snake?”
What the hell? I’m no snake! I could feel my anger rising up. “You’re the stupid snake, sinking your fangs into my precious Xiao Wan! Where have you taken her?? I swear, if you touch a single hair on her, I shall !@#$%^&*&^%$#@!@#$%^&^%$#$#@#$%#%^%$#@#$%^%$#@#$%$#@#$%^%$#@#$%^%$#$%^%$#@#$%$#@#$%$#@#$%^&*&^%$%^&^%^&^%$%^&^%$#$%!!!!!!!”
“Oh my!” Bu Yaolian covered his mouth with his long sleeve. “Such foul language!”
Goddarn, does he think he’s a maiden or something?
“Anyway,” he lowered his arm. “Your b**** willingly followed me home. It’s none of my business. You think with my status, I will want to keep a b**** like her in my house?”
Okay, this crosses the line. “How dare you call Xiao Wan with such a degrading noun!” I fumed. “Bu Yaolian, this is the day you shall die!”
“I have twelve guards by my side! A commoner like you cannot even dream of harming me in such a situation!”
“Oh, you think you’re so great aren’t you!” I commented sarcastically. I mimicked his voice as best as I could. Plus a little tuning. “Look at me, my daddy has so much money and it makes me invincible!”
“I didn’t get all this from my father! I bought them myself!” Oh. He suddenly got super defensive. Looks like I hit a weak point.
“Yeah, bought them. With your dad’s money.”
“This was my allowance!”
I tried my best mimicking his voice again. “Oh look, I get a million gold in monthly allowance and it makes me look so kewl.”
Bu Yaolian looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel. “Fine! Bring her out!”
A guard pulled on a leash. On the other end, was Xiao Wan with something in her mouth.
“Xiao Wan!” I wanted to rush up and hold her in my arms, but the rope was being stupid. “They didn’t do anything bad to you didn’t they?”
“Woof!” Xiao Wan barked, and dropped the bone.
“Goddarn it Xiao Wan! How many times have I told you to not go home with strangers even if they have meat with them!” I screamed.
Her eyes looked at me and seemed to say, “But it was too irresistible!”
The guard who brought Xiao Wan made his way over to Bu Yaolian and hugged his legs without the slightest amount of shame. “Young master, help….this dog that followed you home already finished all the meat in our pantry….It seems we won’t have enough meat for the rest of the week….”
Bu Yaolian stood up and shouted at the guard. “Useless! Get out! Get out of my sight right now!”
The atmosphere was getting tense. Yeah, don’t want to stay here on this ticking time bomb. “Alright young master Bu, since it seems to be a misunderstanding and it’s just a mistake on Xiao Wan’s part, I’ll just take my leave right now.” I hurriedly got up and sprinted for the door.
“Wait.” Bu Yaolian’s eyes turned to me. The doors slammed shut with a heavy creak. Uh oh….The murderous look in his eyes was unmistakable. After all, meat in this town is super super expensive….
“I-Is something wrong, young master Bu?” I shivered. I came here prepared to risk my life, but now it seems like an awfully scary thing to die….
“Guards?” Bu Yaolian asked firmly. The guards suddenly straightened their spines even further than before. “Kill this person! And kill the dog!”
f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh god I think I’ve been running around the room away from the guards for about an hour now. They must be as exhausted as I am. I looked backwards. They were still pursuing me with those stern scary expressions on their faces.
Bu Yaolian’s face looked unsightly. “What the heck are you useless guards doing! It’s already been twenty seconds and you haven’t caught that brat yet!”
s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s***!!!!!!
I ran around while screaming bloody murder. Oh god *wheeze*, at this rate they *wheeze* are going to *wheeze* catch me *wheeze* in *wheeze* ten *wheeze* sec*wheeze**wheeze**wheeze**wheeze**wheeze**wheeze**wheeze**wheeze*
“Grab his dog as hostage!” Bu Yaolian shouted in anger. One of the guards rediverted their attention from me to Xiao Wan.
No no no no no no no no no no no no no!!!! You can’t do this! That’s unfair! Bullies, the lot of you! I prepared to rush over to grab Xiao Wan. I kicked off the ground, and my right foot spun forwards and kicked my left foot to make it go faster.
Okay, fine! I tripped!
My arms flailed around, trying to grab onto anything I could to hoist myself back up. After all, if I just fall then I’ll be a sitting duck for those guards!
Aha! I grabbed onto a weird handle. I leaned my weight on it to stop my fall. Then the handle suddenly slipped. Yeah, slipped! It spun around and around….
F*** it’s a sword! I leaned back to avoid the spinning arc of death. I felt a tinge of pain on my neck.
IT CUT ME! S*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s*** s***!!!!! Gonna die gonna die gonna die gonna die-
Huh…….it’s just a scratch. I put my hand on my neck and felt around the wound. No blood. Didn’t even get through the skin. Uh….that just now was an act to fool my enemies! Yeah! I was using my amazing skills of deception! Haha….
I looked at the sword which nearly killed me. It was lying nearby. Aha! A sword! I quickly scrambled for it, and looked up to find the guard staring angrily at me. Give it a break, dude! I only stole your sword! Oh wait, that’s a pretty big offense....
I crawled away from the guard at my fastest speed and waved the sword around to ward the other guards off. Then I noticed. Bu Yaolian didn’t have any guards protecting him right now! I looked at the sword in my hand, then looked at Bu Yaolian. I can feel the sinister grin creep up my facial muscles.
I hurled the sword at Bu Yaolian. The fear on his face was unmistakable! Oh, thou treacherous fiend! Meet your maker!
The sword traced a perfect arc. We both looked at it as it flew about two meters above his head and cut right through the chandelier which crashed to the ground with a bang. The sword spun and spun, and it shot through the paper window handle first. Almost. It got stuck on the wood part, and the sword point was sticking out menacingly. It seems I missed.
OH GOD I MISSED WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???? I’m screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed-
The door suddenly opened. “Yaolian, what’s with the noise?” A handsome youth walked in. He walked towards Bu Yaolian, making his way around the fallen chandelier.
“Young Master Mei!” Bu Yaolian suddenly put on a respectful expression. “I’m just educating this pleb over here, nothing to worry about.”
The “Young Master Mei”’s face contorted in dissatisfaction. “And he shattered your chandelier.”
Bu Yaolian’s face became increasingly unsightly to look at. “Just a mishap, Young Master Mei! There’s no need for an esteemed young master like you to bother with such an insignificant bug! Let me take care of him immediately!”
Uh oh. I prepared to run for my life again.
Young Master Mei suddenly interjected. “I don’t like seeing blood.”
Oh! I see a light! It seems I have a sliver of a chance at survival now!
“That’s all right, Young Master Mei! I’ll have my guards truss him up and send him to prison where you can’t see him, and have him suffer from death by a thousand cuts!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Uh….CALM DOWN CALM DOWN. My foster grandpa (now deceased) once told me that if I have to survive in the world, I need to find a big fat leg to cling onto! I need to find someone rich! And nice! Who….ah! This Young Master Mei! Yeah! I’ll just butter him up!
“Young Master M-” I rushed forward, quickly improvising my speech. It’s going to go something like: “It’s a misunderstanding Young Master Mei! My pet simply ate a few of their foodstuffs, which I am sure is nothing but a trifle for young masters like you! You are too esteemed to bother with insignificant matters like this! I swear to Young Master Mei that I’ll become your servant forever! If you say go west, I definitely won’t go east!” Yup! That’s what I’ll say!
“Isn’t mazzatello better?” Young Master Mei commented. I stumbled in surprise. That’s something they do in Rome, goddarnit! Uh oh, I literally tripped. I flailed my limbs, trying to find my footing. My hands seem to have found a wall, so I tried to upright myself against it. But suddenly the wall shifted away! Whoever heard of shifting wall-oh. It’s Young Master Mei. Oops.
I pushed him! That’s like the worst thing you can do to butter someone up! It’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over it’s over-
Young Master Mei stumbled back in surprise, probably not anticipating a commoner like me would push him. Then he tripped. Oh, not like me. I was just clumsy. The chandelier was behind him.
Young Master Mei uttered a scream as he fell backwards, which suddenly ceased as a sickening sound resonated across the room.
Young Master Mei trembled, then looked down. Bu Yaolian’s eyes opened wide at the sight of the bloodied edge of a blade sticking out from where his heart was supposed to be.
Young Master Mei looked backwards to identify the killer, but there was only a sword, sticking out of the paper window and caught against a wooden beam. His hand rose, the blood trickling down from the wound in his chest down his arm. His blood soaked finger pointed at me. “Y-y-y-you….”
Then his arm dropped down and went slack.
I just killed the big leg I was going to hang onto.
IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER IT’S OVER-
“T-Th-This pleb killed Young Master Mei!” Bu Yaolian revealed a look of abject horror. “We’re f***ed! His father is an immortal cultivator!”
I. Just. Killed. The. Son. Of. An. Immortal. Cultivator. Oh god I really am f***ed….
At any moment now, the roof is going to fly off and I am going to be grabbed up by a huge invisible hand and be turned into meat paste….
“WHO DARES KILL MY SON, MEI YOULIAN, IN MY PRESENCE!” A booming voice resounded from outside.
I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD I’M DEAD.
A clatter sounded outside the door.
We all turned to look. It was a roof tile. Then another one clattered down to the ground. Then a third. What the heck is going on?
A middle aged man walked through the door. His face was red, and he was panting. Probably from anger.
“You *wheeze* dared *wheeze* kill *wheeze* the *wheeze* son *wheeze* of *wheeze* this *wheeze* great *wheeze* immort-*cough cough cough cough*”
Uh...seems like he has asthma. Not really the image of a great immortal….
We all just stared at him.
After a full minute, he was still wheezing on the floor. Well, since I got this chance, I guess I’ll hightail it! Yup, that’s what I’ll do! After all, there’s no way I can continue living in this village after offending this great wheezy immortal!
Bu Yaolian and his guards were still dumbfounded at the scene of Young Master Mei Youlian dying and his father wheezing on the floor. So I quietly tiptoed over to Xiao Wan, scooped her up, and stealthily made my way over to the main door. Five meters, four meters, three meters, two meters, one meter, half a meter, quarter of a meter, eighth of a meter, sixte-
“Woof!” Xiao Wan suddenly barked.
Fifty pairs of eyes, including one pair that was bloodshot on the floor, turned to look at me. I nearly lost control of my bladder.
“Catch him! He’s trying to run away!” Bu Yaolian’s father, Bu Geilian shouted. Thirty guards started running at me.
“S********************************************************************!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed while sprinting out the door. “Xiao Wan, why you do this to me?????”
“Woof!” Xiao Wan barked.
“NO, BECAUSE I WANT STEAK IS NOT A VALID REASON!!!!!!”
Oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god these people are going to kill me!!!!!!
“You useless pricks!” A voice resounded. “Get out of my *wheeze* way!”
I turned back to find Mei Youlian’s father chasing after me. His arms were spread like that of an eagle, and he was floating in midair. No wonder immortal cultivators are so fierce! They can fly!
Mei Youlian’s father cackled loudly. “Go die! Eat my fireball technique!” As he said this, a HUGE fireball formed on the tip of his fingers, about the size of a mantou!!! “Dieeeeee-hack!”
Suddenly, Mei Youlian fell out of the sky. Where he originally was, an eagle was flapping its wings and gasping for breath. It looked gingerly at its claws for some unknown reason.
Holy cow!!! So immortals have flying mounts too? How come I didn’t see him riding the eagle?? Don’t tell me that it has invisibility powers? No wonder immortals are so venerated!
As Mei Youlian’s father hit the ground, the fireball was accidentally set off. Isn’t that great? Now I don’t have to worry about the fireball anymore! Huh, why’s it getting bigger?
S***! It’s heading toward my head!!! I reflexively ducked to avoid it. The fireball sailed smoothly over my head and exploded a cabbage stand near me. Well, more like set it on fire a little bit, then the whole stand caught on fire because it was made of cheap dry wood.
“MY CABBAGESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!” A man wearing a green cap cried at the top of his lungs. Dude, what do you have to shout so loud for? Are you TRYING to get all the guards here?
I laughed off the fireball. See the great majestic me? With a snap of my fingers, I conquered that fireball!!! Haha...hahaha….ahahahahahahaha!!!!
Hmm...something smells like it’s burning. I should start running away; it’d be bad if I had to pay reparations for the cabbages.
I quickly sprinted away from Mei Youlian’s father. Hmm....is it just me or is the sun really hot today? And why is the burning smell even closer?
As I passed by a mother and a child, I heard that child comment, “Mom, why is that person’s head on fire?”
The mother covered her child’s eyes. “Don’t look at him honey.”
Ha! Who’s that stupid idiot who’s running around with their head on fire? That’s hilarious! This guy must be a once-in-a-generation dumba**!! Hm, me? No, my hair is perfectly fine! Except for the fact that it feels a bit...hot….and...a...fireball...was….
MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!! HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!! ANYBODY!!! HELP!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!
Wait, Harmony Lake is a hundred meters west of town! I can dunk my hair in there! Yeah! I’m sure it won’t be too bad!
I made a sharp right turn, and sprinted for my hair.
“F***! Come back!!” I heard a voice shout behind me.
I don’t care. What happens if my hair is gone! I wouldn’t be able to show my face for a year! What will people think of me???
“Xiao Wan, I know you’ll be there for me even if I don’t have any hair!!! But this is about the other people!”
Soon, Harmony Lake’s shoreline arrived right in front of me. The hot sensation was getting closer to my head. Behind me, Mei Youlian’s father was still chasing me.
I got to the shoreline and dived into the water without any hesitation. Okay, I bellyflopped into the water without any hesitation. In a moment, the burning sensation at the top of my head was gone! Finally! Ahaha! I felt around the top of my head to see what was left. I think it’s still salvageable...right? Huh...my head feels smooth. Very smooth….
I’M F***ING BALDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***!!!!!!!!!!
I weeped like crazy. My beautiful hair...all gone! It’s going to take at least a year for it to grow back. Mei Youlian’s father! I swear, I shall take revenge if it’s the last thing I do! I leapt out of the water, seething in anger.
Suddenly, a figure came running over. Speak of the devil! It’s the goddarn person who burned my hair off!
“Y-” I opened my mouth, but was interrupted.
“Hey, that brother over there!” Mei Youlian’s father shouted. “Have you seen a youngster wearing the nearly same clothes as you with his hair on fire running nearby?”
I swear, my jaw nearly dropped to the ground. “...........”
“Hey! Speak up!”
“He went thataway.” I pointed towards the lake.
“Many thanks, brother…” He waited for me to state my name.
“Brother Li.” I responded. Yeah, my name is Li Busi. As in Li Not-Four. Basically, my family name is Li, and you know, people always make that joke about Zhang San (Zhang Three) and Li SI (Li Four), so they changed my name up a bit I guess. It’s like a placeholder name. Like random villager A in a nov...uh...my grand examination study booklets. Yup! I definitely wasn’t reading novels when I was supposed to be studying for the grand examination!
So originally I was left at the steps of the orphanage with the name Li Si, but after a while of sorry contemplation people changed it to Li Busi. “Many thanks, brother Li!” Mei Youlian bowed, then dove towards the water. However, after getting through various dangerous situations without dying, people gave me the nickname Li Busi, as in Li Not-Die. Kinda ironic, seeing as I’m in a VERY dangerous situation right now.
“Many thanks, brother Li!” Mei Youlian bowed, then dove towards the water.
“No problem, brother Mei!” I bowed in return with cold sweat running down my back. Oh wait, that was water.
I slowly began to walk away.
Suddenly, a voice called out from behind me. F*** me, didn’t that guy leave already?
“Wait a second!!!!!”
I turned around. “What is it?”
Mei Youlian’s father glared at me coldly. “How did you know my name was Mei?”
Oh no. I f***ed up.
He started studying me, then finally eyed Xiao Wan in my arms. “Y-you are that brat!!!!” he suddenly raged. “To think to evade my detection, you even went so far as to burn off your hair!!! If it wasn’t for this grandpa’s great intuition, you would’ve gotten away already! Truly despicable!!!”
Hey!!! You were the one who shot that fireball at my hair!! How the hell did it turn into me burning it off to evade you???
I spun around on my heels and sprinted.
“Hey, don’t run away! I’m only going to peel your skin off!” A voice shouted behind me.
That only made me sprint faster.
However, the footsteps only started to sound louder and louder. I suddenly saw a cave ahead. There’s no choice. Maybe there’s some good fortune to be found in there, and a way to escape death! I quickly changed direction for it.
After what seemed like an hour (but in reality was thirty seconds), I finally got to the mouth of the cave. As I dashed full speed into it, some kind of clear wall appeared in front of me. F***! What’s this magic!! I didn’t have enough time to halt my steps, and smashed my head into the wall.
I braced for impact. My hand felt a huge impact as something was ripped from it. I opened my eyes, and found myself inside the cave. But Xiao Wan was gone. “Xiao Wan!!!!!” I cried.
“Woof!” I turned around, to see her outside the cave. Huh, wasn’t she in my arms?
I rushed forwards, only to see Mei Youlian’s father gather another fireball in his hands as he laughed sinisterly. Xiao Wan stood in front of him, trembling. “I’ll first kill your stupid dog!!!!” He shot the fireball out, and I leapt for Xiao Wan, but I only saw her being drowned out by the fireball.
“X-XIAO WANNNNNN!!!!” At that moment, everything went blank, and I just sort of rushed forwards out of the cave. And then I felt an impact on my stomach, and I tumbled backwards into darkness.
“-the f*** out here! I’m gonna kill you!!”
Those were the first words I heard when I woke up. I’m….not dead? This is strange…
Suddenly, an image of Xiao Wan flashed into my mind, and I suddenly felt like my head was going to fall off from sorrow. “XIAOOO WANNNNNN!!!” I sobbed, and nearly bashed my head on the rock wall near me.
“You Li brat! Get the f*** out here!!!” It was that murderer who killed Xiao Wan!! Why’s he just standing outside and shouting instead of coming in here?
I crawled slowly towards the entrance of the cave. Or where the light was at least. And there he was. Huh. It seems like he’s pressed up against some glass wall. But there’s no wall here. However, there’s some invisible pressure preventing him from entering the cave. His cheeks were squished up against the wall. “THERE YOU ARE!!! GET OUT HERE!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!”
Seeing his helpless situation made me feel a slight feeling of schadenfreude. After all, this was the killer of Xiao Wan. Serves him right for not being able to enter the cave!!!
“What if I don’t?” I asked him.
“I-I-I-I….” Mei Youlian’s father’s face turned red with rage. “I-I’ll kill you!!!!”
I stuck out my tongue at him. “You’ll never be able to get me!!!”
Steam came out of his ears. “Fine then, fireball!”
Pfft! Who does he think he is? There’s an invisible barrier in front of this cave. There’s no way he’ll be able to-S***!!!!! It actually got through! Agh! It’s flying towards my face! My face!!! I ducked, and it flew over my head and exploded behind me. I could even feel the heat searing my scalp...I-I barely dodged it...
Oh no, my hair! It was so close! My hair is ruined!!! I felt above...ah...that’s right. I have no hair….no hair…...no…...hair……………….
Ahhhhhh! I turned on my heels and ran further into the cave. The further the better! I don’t know if he has anything like a homing fireball!
Goddammit, how long does this cave go? I’ve been walking for like an hour. The sound of “I’m gonna kill you” slowly faded away behind me, until eventually I couldn’t hear it anymore. Now it’s starting to get scary. Seriously, what formed this cave? Or who?
Huh, there’s a light towards the front of me. D-Don’t tell me it leads to the outside? Then I can escape free!
Ah, no. It was a light. Yeah, a stupid light. Not a way outside. Way to go for getting my hopes up.
I proceeded forward, and the light brighter and brighter as I approached it. Eventually I came face to face with a pedestal with a lantern hanging above it. On the pedestal was a single, white pill. Huh, I bet it’s something suspicious.
I came closer, and in front of a pill was a small sign. I looked around to make sure there were no traps, and after confirming there wasn’t any, I peeked at the sign.
'I am sure you have made it here with great difficulty. Do not fear for your enemies; I have placed a barrier before the cave such that only monks can enter. My name is Tang Sanzang, a monk who has been to the sacred lands to retrieve sacred sutras. In this pill before you, you will have found my greatest accomplishment, which has taken me a thousand full years to concoct! This pill is the ultimate treasure for Buddhist monks! It wil-'
Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I’ve struck the jackpot! To think I’ve found the sacred treasure of all the Buddhists in such a circumstance! Eh, I’m not a monk? Hey, but whoever can enter the cave must be a monk! Therefore, I am a monk! But who cares! I’m going to eat up this treasure anyway, because there’s a crazy murderer outside the cave who’s trying to kill me! Hahahahahaha!
I immediately grabbed the pill and tossed it into my mouth. It had an extremely bitter taste. Who made this thing taste so bad? I chewed it a few times, then swallowed it. Bleh. This Sanzang guy could have made it taste better at the very least….
Oh, it’s working! I can feel a small strand of energy winding its way in my stomach! It suddenly flared up and-
I said AND!!!!
Goddammit, what’s wrong with this pill? The effects just suddenly stopped! This sucks! This Sanzang guy, you spent a thousand years making such a defect of a pill? Ptui!
Huh, come to think of it, I didn’t finish reading the passage. I started where I left off.
'It will solve the problem that’s been plaguing monks for generations!'
Yeah, that sounds nice.
'The need to shave our heads every single day!'
'This pill will make you never have to shave your head again!!!!!'
'IT IS THE ULTIMATE - FOREVER SHINY HEAD PILL!!!!!!!!'
The message ended there, and so did my consciousness.
Chapter 5: Huh...wasn’t there a lake here before?
Day 1: No hair
Day 2: No hair
Day 3: No hair
Day 4: No hair
Day 5: No hair
Day 6: No hair
Day 7: No hair
Day 8: No hair
Day 9: No hair
Day 10: No hair
Day 46789: No hair
Wait...is that even possible? Considering the lighting of the cave (and the fact that there’s a mad guardian waiting outside of the cave so there’s no way I’m going up to look), there was no way for me to tell how much time had passed. So I counted the number of days from the loud reverberations of “little sh*t, I, your grandpa didn’t kill you yesterday, but I will you kill you today”s that came every once in a while.
Haha! If he actually said it every day, that means that I had been living down here for more than a hundred years? Without food or water? Ptui! I’m not even hungry! This sh*tty gramps is playing a mind game on me! Do you think I’ll fall for it and go crazy and rush out of the cave? No indeed! This guy made me all worried over my hair for nothing! And that Sanzang guy can just go to hell for all I care.
So next time the reverberations came, I replied with my own crazy yelling.
“Old bastard, you think you got me all figured out, didn’t you. Well you DIDN’T! HA! No way in hell it’s been one hundred friggin years since I entered this cave! If you think you can lure me out like that, then you’re DEAD WRONG!”
There was a moment of silence. Then the crazy old man followed up with a bunch of curse words that god forbid should not be repeated.
That old fart’s still been screaming at me every day...or what seemed like every day but was probably actually every few minutes or so.
His voice got all hoarse from shouting at me for so long. That’s what you get for your temper. Your stupid trick will not work on me! Hahaha!
Welp, it seems his voice gave out. He’s not even saying anything anymore. Is this a trap to lure me out of the cave? Hmm...it seems I’ll have to wait a few more days to be safe.
A few days later, I finally got the courage to approach the entrance of the cave. It was eerily quiet, kinda like how my head is still eerily bald. Light started to stream in and I could actually see.
There was no one there. Very strange.
I slowly creeped out with utmost caution.
“AHHHH!!!! ASSASSIN!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!” I scrambled back into the cave. Oh...it...it was just a branch. Thank goodness.
I slowly inched my way forward. There was a sudden movement to my right just as I made a move.
“AHHHH!!!! ASSASSIN!!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!” I scrambled back into the cave. Oh...it...it was just my shadow. Thank goodness.
Cautious once again, I crawled forward at a snail’s pace. And I finally made it to the entrance of the cave. Th-this is where Xiao Wan...that despicable bastard of a Mei...uh...what was his name again? He didn’t even leave an intact corpse of Xiao Wan so I can pay my respects! Is this how you desecrate the bodies of your enemies! Xiao Wan was just a dog! This is inhuman!!!
After crying for a good few minutes, I took a peek outside. Huh...wasn’t there a lake here before?