Earl the Pigmaster

Earl was a handyman in Possum Tits, South Carolina. No his first girlfriend wasn't his half sister she was his third cousin. His momma was actually from California. His daddy was the town drunk, the town veterinarian, mayor, justice of the peace, and coroner. If you came to the morgue he'd always have cookies and cream ice cream waiting on you to cheer you up. The reason we are now mentioning Earl is the fact that he is now dead. At the tender age of 34 he passed away from a series of heart attacks. The first heart attack was while he was on his 50th deep fried Oreo in the eating contest. The second happened when he was on his way to the toilet after he won the contest. The third whenever Emma Lou followed him into the men's room. Now his entire extended family was in the morgue eating cookies and cream ice cream.

"Pappy what happened to Nuncle Earl?" Donny Junior asked the old coroner.

"He got way too excited. You are too young to know all the details in another five years maybe Emmy Lou might give you a heart attack... Might need to avoid the boy Emmy stand over there you done killed one man today."Pappy replied after some thought then took a swig out of his brown jug.
" Well as justice of the peace and coroner I rule that Emmy Lou gets a $50 fine for public indecency and the Earl's death was accidental. Seeing as how Earl cannot pay for a funeral he'll be cremated tomorrow morning at the town's expense and his ashes scattered on the community garden as fertilizer." 
Earl was watching the entire proceedings while shaking his head. Guess I'll be waiting for whatever happens next. I wonder if what I have done to goats will make me go to hell...
You aren't going to hell.a voice replied
So I'm going to heaven?
No
Stay here?
You'll see.
A bright orange vortex appeared it sucked Earl into it.

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  • Earl felt as if he was stretched out like a piece of rawhide on a tanning rack like his skin was peeled from his body
    hot lava burning into his bowels. The whole thing caused his soul to pass out. When he woke up he realized that wherever he was he was no longer on the coast of Carolina. It was a sand scorched desert. Nothing but coarse sand as far as the eye could see. I'll be damned if this ain't hotter than Iraq. As Dorthy said ain't no place like home and this is home now. I hope I find water cause my piss is gonna taste like stale Pabst... I need a smoke. He brushed his right hand up against his pectoral out of habit he felt no smokes what's more his chest wasn't fleshy like it should have been. Did I lose weight? He looked down "Why the hell am I in a freaking dress?" He muttered under his breath. His voice creaked.  
    He scratched his nose and felt something was off it wasn't lumpy like it should have been. He felt the rest of his face and inferred that he should be fairly handsome and that he was  much younger than he used to be. After the brief examination he was relieved to find a gourd jug on his waist. It was about 1/3 filled with water. On the ground next to him was a small sack and on of those goofy coolie hats from the old Kung Fu flicks he watched as a kid. He immediately put the hat on his head. He looked in the sack he was less pleased after that. Some charcoal, a few things that resembled rocks but when he squezzed one it broke apart and bugs crawled out. Hard tack the weevils make it a complete meal carbs and protein. He kept the other four lumps. There was something written on a piece of paper in the sack. It seemed it was written with care. He couldn't read it but kept it anyways the thing wasn't heavy but might be worth keeping. There were some bits of metal with a string through them in the sack about 12 copper bits and a tarnished piece in the center he thought was silver. A small machete less than 2 ft long. 

    I gotta get moving if I stay here I am gonna eat it again. I feel like I should wait til evening to move find some high ground bound to see more than what I see now. I highly doubtful that whatever brought me here wants me to die again.
  • Chun Mu was flying high in the sky on his way back to the Laughing Skull Sect. He sensed a mortals presence on the Scorched Plain below him. 
    He thought about the sect master's orders to steal mortals for his crazy experiments. I wonder if this little guy would last a week in the pigpen? Only one way to find out. He changed his flight angle to veer lower.

    I feel like somebody is watching me. Earl looked up in the sky to see something getting much closer to him. In a split second he saw that it was a little Asian man. Dang did I end up in Shaw Bros Hell. That's it now I know God has a sense of humor. 
    Chun Mu was surprised when the mud man lifted his head to look at him 
    Quick to sense danger can he react in time?
    Earl through himself flat and rolled left.
    Little bastard dodged. He's definitely worth taking back now.
    Song Mu rebounded from the ground then featherfell onto the mortal's back before he could rise again and in one swift motion clubbed him behind his ear.
    It all faded to black for Earl. 

    Song Mu just out of curiosity examined the mortal's things. He saw the ceramic tablet in the bag. He read it:
    To whom it may concern if you are reading this know that the bearer of this missive is a worthless idiot that I, Wei Zen, encouraged to seek his death in the desert to avoid staining my clothes with his blood. If I were to strike him he would liquify and splatter upon my magnificent self. I reside in The Fragrant Garlic district in Blue Lake City. I will be more than happy to treat the person who found this note to an evening of pleasure in the Mountain Flower Pavilion. Make his death both perverse and painful if he is still alive.
    Many thanks.

    This has been a most fortuitous day.
    Song Mu thought to himself Wei Zen was a name of some renown a practioner of the Red Waterfall Fist.
    The Mountain Flower Pavilion as well is worth the visit. He concentrated some qi into his interspatial ring to store the porcelain.
     Song  Mu removed a brown burlap sack big enough to fit the unconscious young man into. Then he placed the man and his belongings minus the coins into the sack. Tied it off with a hempen rope. Grabbed the rope one handed then resumed his journey back to the sect.

    He neared the forest colliqually known as the PigPen amongst the sect members.  The master said that any mortals who could survive a month would be removed from the PigPen as an outer sect disciple. Most were killed in a week and eaten by the greenskins.
    The pool will start again... I wonder if Ren Zan will bite on this bait... The new mortal was fighting against a Yellow Tailed Scorpion and was holding his own. His speed was giving him a slight advantage. I will offer 3:1 That he dies this week.
    Song Mu tied the rope off to a tree limb about 10ft from the ground. Then went on his way.






    Please forgive me I'm typing this on my phone and it is flowing from my head as I type I was spacing these out in lieu of being able to make chapters. Also no editing so it's fairly rough.
  • Also I used a random name generator for Chun/Song Mu name from hence forth Song Mu Sorry

    Earl awakened to the chatter or crickets and the smell of moisture in the air. Like a rolling stone. At least no moss on my ass. He opened his eyes and could barely see any light. He also felt he was inside of something similar to a net. First order of business was to escape the net. He decided to split it open to see more of his surroundings.
    He confirmed that he was in a forest and that he was in a burlap sack. He was also fairly high up a tree. In short still up shit creek.

    Song Mu continued to discreetly observe the newcomer from a distance. He was not looking forward to the isolation of his cave and the wailing of the shreived souls of the righteous martyrs that resounded from his master's laboratory. He really wished his master could corrupt those holy souls soon because the wailing was disrupting his own cultivation. The incense could only cover up so much of the souls excreta that came out from after his master's ministrations. Only his master could make a soul defecate themselves.

    If I were to swing myself I bet I could get to the trunk.  Earl continued to formulate his plans. While he was thinking he swing himself back and forth slowly edging closer to the trunk and true freedom. He finally reached the trunk and crawled out of the sack.
    He saw where the sack was tied off to the tree limb and he made the judgement call to shimmy out onto the limb to retrieve the rope. He inserted the machete in between his teeth pirate style. Yo Ho muddfukers too bad no bottle o rum... Hell I'd settle for a swig of ol rotgut or popskull. This has been a helluva note I died from fatty foods and some he and she in a public shitter. Now I'm in some kinda Jet Lee Hell. In a dress no less. At least a forest is somewhat familiar. Oilfield said I'd die if I ever got stuck out in the sand. Looks like the woods back home I think I'll be a'right. He drank the water from the gourd after he had cut the rope. 
    As he straddled the tree limb he heard the a duck quack nearby.
    Hot damn must be water somewhere close. He left the tree and proceeded to try to find game sign. 

    Song Mu was slightly flabbergasted that the kid was collected himself as soon as he did. But then again maybe it was due to the boy being ignorant of his current situation. He stayed high in the air to continue to watch.

    Earl found some tracks but they were pretty big if Bigfoot were real these would definitely be Bigfoot tracks.
    The right foot only had four toes just like cousin Cletus it made Earl wonder if this one was born like that or if it was cuttoff in a blender like Cletus's. Cleatus was told if you wanted to make good margaritas that you really needed to put your foot in it. That was code phrase for work hard at it. Cletus took it literal an boom no big toe. As Earl was laughing he heard a growl.
    He smelled something rancid just like a feral hog but stronger.
  • What will the boy do now that he has met a greenskins female Song My new that his time was getting short and he had no choice but to leave soon. He felt his master thumping his control seed. He knows I am back. If he asks I will explain the curious addition to the PigPen.
    Dang this girl is ugly she stinks and her milk bags would've been past her knees if she wasn't so fat... But get a couple Boilermakers in me and cut on some line dance music she might be worth taking out the backdoor. I have standards she's gotta be classy to go into the men's room .  While Earl was debating the finer points of whether he would he and she with this nasty piglet she approached him slowly until she was about 5 ft or so and the stench became unbearable. Earl started to back away and get upwind of the smell. She roared and grunted. 
    " Now down Bessie, ain't no cause to be bitchin at me like we married...
    I haven't made you squeal yet."Earl gently tried some gentlemanly sweet nothings to soothe her.
    Her response came back to the opposite. She closed the gap and made a right hook towards his head. Earl T thought not today you ain't the first nasty sloot what tried to push ol' Earl. His first baby mama he knocked up 20 years ago. That was his first trip to the Squirrel's Nuts. He got sheeted and took the peg legged bartender to the men's room. He was gyrating hard enough her glass eye jarred loose. He kept it as a keepsake of hers.
    The new body of his was too light to fight fair also Earl T never fought fair.
    He grabbed some sand when he ducked. Then flung it into Bessie's eyes. He soccer kicked he in her stank bush before she could recover he lost his shoe in the process. He finished her off with a pommel strike twixt her eyes.
    The South Craven Tactic. His moves were textbook. At his age to be able to disregard fair play and to be so decisive he may live long enough to become my junior... 

    At last Song Mu went home.

    Earl T hogtied the woman just in case she woke up on him while he went for water. He found a pond from the direction the woman came. It was pristine no beer cans around it lush vegetation cattails 6ft tall, bass  jumping out the water it could've made cover of Field and Creek.
    Earl took the time to double back for the woman which he dragged to the bank of the pond. He splashed water on her to clean her up some.
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