Crimson Moon (title subject to change) (Chap 1)

edited September 2015 in Original Stories
Who is bored? Me! (I'm actually quite busy with life but since I'm lazy, well, meh) 
Umm. So since I love a good xianxia (MGA, CD, ISSTH, MGS, DE, SS), I've decided to make one. 

The usual Xianxia summary: 

"In this world, power is everything, especially for a poor child who has nothing. 
To what extent can Min Xu sacrifice his life for the sake of knowledge, power and revenge?"

Please tell me what you think! Is the pacing okay enough? Is it getting boring? Anything! I'll gladly accept criticisms and words of encouragement.

P.S. Me not first language English. Me sorry if many grammatical errors.

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  • edited December 2015

    Chapter 1: Min Su’s Red Moon Festival

    It was night time but the usual silence of the dark was swallowed up by the festive noise surrounding the Central Palace. Magical stores of different sizes were bustling with people and exhilarating performances of cultivators were everywhere. The colors of various types of magic flowing from every corner made the night jubilant and more exciting. 

    Above the festival, surrounded by countless stars was a crimson moon looking down, as if it could end everything. The stars surrounding it seemed to bow down to the moon that could cover the whole sky. 

    Tonight, almost all the citizens of Xin City were gathered in front of the Central Palace waiting for the announcement of their next ruler. It was a common practice for the royal family and the citizens of Xin City to elect a new king whenever the Red Moon rises. This tradition was done since the day the city was built by King Xin Yurei and his 2 siblings, the founders of Xin City.

    In the farthest corner of the festival was a bruised, bonny child with ragged clothes about 5 years of age. 

    His eyes were dead, as if he was only a corpse. The child was seating cross legged in front of tattered books and broken things that looked useless. His skin was sickly pale and his whole body was shivering. It was like he could collapse any moment. 

    People walking by his small stall were ignoring him. Some children were even teasing him but the poor child remained motionless, as if he’s deaf. When the children got tired of looking down on him and left, in a weak but trying voice, he said, “Leathered belt!... Only 10 Coppers!... Green Mantis Core!... Only 1 Silver!” Even if no one spared him a glance, he continued to utter the same words, hoping that someone would buy.

    After an hour of repeating the same words, a frail, old man wearing a white robe filled with golden embroidery of complex patters finally approached him. 

    “Young man, how much are you selling all of these?” 

    Seeing the clothes of the man in front of him, the child had a thought of increasing the prices of his merchandises but he discarded it. Since his family was unintelligent, weak and poor, they were always scammed and so, he knew the pain of being betrayed by someone you trust. 

    The child showed a meek smile and said, “All of these are only 2 Silvers and 90 Coppers in total.” 

    Hearing that the prices were unchanged and still low, the old man was surprised. He gave out a hearty laugh and asked, “Is that really the total price of all of these?” 

    The child paused for a while but still nodded. 

    The old man looked at the child with awe and adore. Normally, vendors, no matter how poor or how rich they are, would change their prices based on how their customers looked but right then, the sickly child stayed true with the prices he announced a while ago. 

    The old man took out 5 Gold Coins and threw them at the young man in front of him. “Well… aren’t you an honourable child?” Seeing the coins in front of him, the child suddenly had a look of respect to the man in front of him. The child immediately stood up and bowed “Your generosity is widely appreciated, Senior!”

    Seeing this, the old man gave out a chuckle. 

    “There you are, Senior Li!”

     A blonde juvenile about 15 years of age was running towards the old man with a worried look. 

    “The main clan was trying to contact you since a while ago! Where were you?” 

    With a carefree tone, he replied, “Oh shush! This is a festival and a festival is meant to be enjoyed! I don’t have time to bother with problematic things.” 

    “But… but…” 

    “Hurry now, tell them I won’t attend!” 

    “Senior Li… but…” 

    With a slight movement of the senior’s finger, a gentle white force was formed that pushed the juvenile away from him and to the Central Palace. 

    The scene in front of him made the child speechless. “A cultivator! And he’s strong!”

    “Now then…” The senior looked fondly at the dirty youth in front of him. “Since I bought all your goods, you should now relax and enjoy the festival with me!” 

    “Eh! But…” The child felt that someone like him does not have the right to enter the inner circle of the festival and go near the Central Palace. 

    “Come now!” 

    The old man pushed the child in a large shop filled with extravagant-looking clothes. 

    Upon seeing the old man, all the shopkeepers bowed. “Greetings, Senior Li.” The old man nodded, casually dismissing the respectful crowd.

    “Hehe. That looks good on you!” The old man pointed at a simple but elegant clothing. 

    Being surrounded by clothes he thought he could never have, the child brimmed with excitement. 

    “Oh. Senior Li, your taste in clothing is good! The materials used in this clothing was needed to be handcrafted by an artist of the 5th Intermediate Realm because the materials are from a Hunchback Turtle!” 

    Hearing this, the senior nodded with approval but contrary to that, the face of the child turned sour. Who in this city does not know what a Hunchback Turtle is? It is a rare half demon, half turtle beast that has a shell so tough that no cultivators of the Outer Realm could scratch it! One needed to be in the 5th Intermediate Realm to be able to defeat it. 

    The child hurriedly bowed and apologetically refused. “Senior, you are far too kind but I have to refuse. You are giving this poor child things that he does not deserve. Bless your kindness, Senior, but I have to refuse!”   

    This was a lesson that the child’s mother always reminded him. If someone gives you something more than what you expected, receive it and make sure to repay him or her someday with twice the value but refuse it if you know you can never return the favour.

    The old man sighed. He realized that the child in front of him is quite stubborn - the type whose morals couldn’t be swayed by anything. 

    Hearing the boy’s refusal, everyone in the shop looked at the child with disdain. They thought that he does not have the right to refuse and disrespect someone, much more a well-known senior. 

    Right then, the old man who fall silent, spoke up but rather than being mad, his tone of voice was quite happy. “Alright! Alright! I forced you to come with me and so I will not force you to wear these clothes. Anyway, what’s your name kid?” 

    The child became relieved. He thought that the senior in front of him will be enraged. 

    “Min Su… Mister.” 

    “Haha! Don’t call me mister. You can call me Senior Li!” Senior Li had a huge smile on his face. His interest was definitely piqued by the youth named Min Su.

    Senior Li continued to show Min Su the various sights and shops one could see in the Read Moon Festival. 

    After Senior Li managed to bring him inside almost all the interesting places near the Central Palace, Senior Li brought Min Su in front of the Central Palace door. This was the closest Min Su had been to the Central Palace.  His frail body trembled upon seeing the majestic castle that is said to be made out of a silver meteor that had fallen from the sky.  In front of him and the senior were two, unmoving, robust men both body covered with a metal armour.  One was holding a spear as tall as the palace door and the other one had a glimmering sword. 

    “Open…” 

    Only one word from Senior Li and the two cultivators immediately opened the palace door. Min Su had become more curious of the old man’s identity who has the capability to command the guards of the palace. 

    Seeing that the old man was planning to head inside the Central Palace, Min Su stopped walking. 

    “Come now, Min Su.” 

    “Eh… but.” Min Su hesitated. He whose clothes were ragged and dirty should not enter the Central Palace. 

    Seeing this, the old man became furious. “Stupid child! I do not know what principles your family is teaching you but if people gave you a chance to crawl out of your miserable life, you should happily accept it! Or else you’ll remain weak forever!”

    Something connected inside Min Su’s mind. 

    “Remain weak forever?” 

    He suddenly remembered his cruel life. He who had nothing except for his mother was always being bullied by everyone because he was weak. His mother, the only person who talks to him, was miserable and sick but nevertheless, she kept on saying with a smile that he should be strong. Every time he hears his mother’s words, he vowed to himself that he’ll someday become strong enough to make his mother live a fulfilling life.

    Immediately, he looked at the man in front of him with resolute eyes and said, “I want to be strong!” Seeing the resolution in Min Su’s eyes, the old man nodded and he brought Min Su to the west hall of the palace. 

    At the end of the hall, a wooden pair of door with complex patterns could be seen. Senior Li chanted gibberish words that seemed to be from a different language and in a sudden, the patterns glowed and the door opened up. They arrived in a grandiose library that looked as if it contained thousand or probably million books. As they walk inside, only their footsteps were heard. The earlier festive noise couldn’t be heard and it’s as if they entered a different world. 

    After walking around with Senior Li for 30 minutes, Min Su felt that the library was actually larger than the palace itself. “Wow. Senior Li, where are we?“ The old man let out a small chuckle and said, “Well, that is something you should not know… for now.”

    Min Su and Senior Li continued to talk. As they get to know each other more, Min Su  realized how weird and unreasonable Senior Li is. The old man kept on boasting about how he managed to defeat a dragon with his eyes closed while naked. He said that he had done so because ha made a bet with someone in exchange for a cake. Though no matter how ridiculous Senior Li's stories were, Min Su was convinced that the man beside him is incredibly powerful. 

    “Here we are!” They needed to travel for an hour in order to reach this area that still belonged to the outer part of the library. 

    Min Su breathed out an air of amazement because he could not imagine how big this library is. In front of every book shelf was a white barrier that protected the books inside. 

    With a casual flick of his hand, Senior Li destroyed the barrier made out of a strong force. Senior Li picked up an ordinary-looking book out of the shelf and gave it to Min Su. 

    “Kid, this is my very own soul refining technique. No one had ever practiced this technique except for me even though everyone wanted to practice it. I want you to remember its contents in an hour and practice it for a month. If you will succeed, I’ll take you in as my disciple!” 

    Min Su was surprised with what he heard. He who was just a while ago selling useless things can someday become a disciple of a renowned senior. 

    “Wh-why? Why me?” He wanted to ask why such an outstanding person wanted to help him. 

    The old man smiled lightly and said, “When I was a child, I was poor like you and so, I saw myself in you. Plus, I have an eye for people with talent and I can sense that you are talented, kid.” 

    Min Su was completely overwhelmed to the point that tears came falling down on his reddish cheeks. “I… I… Thank you, senior!”, he said with a nose full of snot. 

    “Haha. But remember if you fail, don’t you ever show up in front of me again! Go! You only have an hour to memorize the contents!”

    Min Su nodded. 

    He looked at the book given to him. At the cover of the book were the words, “Eye of the Storm”. He breathed in and out to calm himself because he felt that this whole book can change his life. 

    He began reading and memorizing every word. Luckily, even if his family is poor, he’s smart. To use up his free time, he mostly read advanced books in the public library rather than playing with other kids his age. It’s not that he loves to read more than to play. It was just that no one wanted to play with him and so, he found comfort in reading books, especially the books about the continent’s heroes. Plus, no one taught him how to read nor write, thus the people in the library knew how smart he was. 

    Anyway, he needed only half an hour to memorize the thin book and the other half to completely immerse himself in the book. Seeing how fast the child read and memorize his book, Senior Li became more convinced that he made the right decision. 

    An hour passed. 

    “Finished?” 

    “Un.” Min Su was still immersed in the book he just read. He wanted to rush back home and practice the outstanding technique. 

    Senior Li can’t help but laugh at how eager Min Su wanted to go practice. “Alright. I will lead you out but remember to show up in front of the palace at this time of the next month if you will be successful. Then, I can be officially your master. That way, I can teach you more techniques and you can be stronger!” 

    Min Su nodded with conviction. “I will not fail you, Senior Li.”    

    After arriving out of the palace, Min Su wholeheartedly thanked Senior Li. He said his farewell and once again bowed to show how he greatly appreciated the things this senior had done for him. After doing so, Min Su hurriedly ran home. He can’t wait to arrive home and tell the things he had experienced to his mom.

    It took him an hour of running in full speed to arrive at the western outskirts of the city. At the very end of the road was the smallest house one could encounter in the city. Different sizes of woods were clumsily arranged to build this small house. The house also gave a cold and desolate feeling to anyone who sees it but nevertheless, Min Su was happy that he finally arrived home. 

    He entered the hut and he saw his mom lying on the ground, gasping for air, almost lifeless. “Mom?”, Min Su said with a trembling voice.

     

    Coming up next: The Bloody Festivity

  • *sighs* This took me 3-4 hours to write. I can't believe it! Anyway, please, oh please, tell me what you think!
  • Thanks for the chapter!

    I think it has potential, but it's a bit rushed, like the person above me said. It's good though.
  • Penpals said:

    *sighs* This took me 3-4 hours to write. I can't believe it! Anyway, please, oh please, tell me what you think!

    3-4 hours for a chapter is not bad, I personally spend between 5-10 if i consider the amount of time needed for research as well, on a few of them I spend even longer.

    That being said, I like your plot and the idea with this story, just sit down and take a breather to make sure to add more details and slow down the pace a little perhaps- I am a sucker for slow paced stories though, so my reply might be a bit biast ~ 
  • Considering your chapters are 2-2.5x longer than mine. 3-4 hours isnt bad indeed xD i put out mine in ~1.5 hour depending on how motivated i am and how cliffhangery i made the previous chapter.
  • Hmmm... I also do think your story has potential. Anyway I would like to read more new chapters to see more how the story will goes.

    Thnx for the chapter.
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