A Former God in the Mortal Realm (Chapter 5 Updated!)

edited January 29 in Original Stories
Zhang San was at the peak of the Celestial Deities, a extremely powerful existence. His realm transcending ability made him capable of even slaying the ultimate powerhouses of his world, Awoken Gods.

A genius since he was born, he had long since passed the stage of basic necessities, only immersing himself in training.

He had prepared to undertake the final tribulation, in order to become an Awoken God himself, thereby becoming the overlord of them all.

Eighty-one Tribulations. Eighty-one Restrictions. The Heavenly Wheel of Eighty-One Tribulations.

Unexpectedly, he gets a stroke of bad luck, rendering him in the Mortal Realm, the Lower Plane, without any knowledge of what to do, and without his former strength to back him up.

If anyone has any opinions or suggestions, please feel free to reply!
(Note: Zhang San is one of the common placeholder names in China, along with Li Si, Wang Wu. In the Divine Plane, they have no idea of what placeholder names are, so they had no qualms about naming Zhang San that.)

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  • Prologue: Eighty-One Restrictions, Eighty-One Tribulations

    Spoiler:

    One solitary figure, standing indignantly in front of an eighty one colored wheel. His smirk carried a hint of arrogance, his face appearing full of confidence, his body giving off an unbearable aura.

    One man. One wheel.

    One final tribulation to become an Awoken God.

    He had long since reached the pinnacle of Celestial Deities. An Awoken God was a supreme existence, one which could bend the world to their amusement, one which could order any other being to do their bidding.

    However, in order to become an Awoken God, they each had to spin the Heavenly Wheel of Eighty-One Tribulations. The Final Heavenly Tribulations, some of which feared by even the mightiest of Celestial Deities. Ninety-nine percent of Celestial Deities end their journey at this point. Only the pinnacle of Celestial Deities are able to pass and become Awoken Gods, increasing their power at least hundredfold. They were exalted and invincible existences, the pinnacle of the world.

    Four Awoken Gods had been slain by his hand. The title he had earned from the time where he only slew one, had been associated with his name. The “Godslayer”.

    Zhang San was born with once-since-the-start-of-the-universe talent on the Divine Plane to the Zhang Family, as the third child. Two hours after he was born, he had reached the Innate Stage, no longer requiring daily consumption of meals. Astonished by his talent, the Zhang family hid him away from the world, locked him in a cave, and forced him to cultivate. For the first hundred years of his life, he had literally lived under a rock, quickly breaking into the Immortal Level, then the Deity Level.

    (Author Note: The name is 张三, the equivalent of John Doe in U.S)

    It took him a hundred years to accomplish what others would not have been able to do in a hundred million years.

    For this, he was also known as “The Genius”, or “The Crazy Genius”, or even “The Clueless Crazy Genius Who Lived Under a Rock” He wasn’t too fond of the latter two nicknames.

    In a thousand years, he broke through to the Celestial Deity Level, becoming the youngest Celestial Deity in history. It took him another ten thousand to reach a level where even an Awoken God fell by his hand.

    Now, if he passed the tribulation, he would become the supreme Awoken God, the overlord of them all.

    Many Awoken Gods tried to prevent him from reaching the Awoken Testing Grounds that contained the Heavenly Wheel of Eighty-One Tribulations, fearful of the disbalance of power once he succeeded, but he fought his way through, killing three of them in the process. The Awoken Testing Grounds was a sacred area, a place where not even Awoken Gods would dare cause strife. Once he entered it, the pursuers cursed, then left.

    His laughter bellowed to the heavens. “Once I overcome this final tribulation, I shall have no one to fear! Ahahahahaha...hahahaha!” He stepped up to the wheel, long black hair trailing after him like an obsidian dragon, coursing through the sky. His face was youthful, as he could change his appearance however he wanted due to being a Celestial Deity. The wheel, the outer ring displaying eighty one possible opponents, and the inner ring filled with eighty one restrictions. The tribulations and restrictions were divided up into increasingly smaller sections, starting from the first tribulation and first restriction. Eighty-one tribulations. Eighty-one restrictions. Six thousand five hundred sixty-one possibilities.

    His hand gripped onto the edge of the wheel. His arm exerting an unfathomable amount of force, he spun the wheel.

    It rotated, creating a spiral of wind. Zhang San’s eyes were glued onto the still rotating wheel. The outer wheel slowed down, and finally stopped on...the eighty-first tribulation. Just hearing the name would send shivers down the spine of an Awoken God.

    The eighty-one tribulations were monstrosities created by the world itself. Bloodthirsty monstrosities. The lower the probability of encountering it, the greater the strength. The first tribulation had the strength equivalent to that of an ordinary Celestial Deity.

    The eighty first...from the seventy fifth on, no Celestial Deity had ever went in there and lived to tell the tale, no matter how weak their restrictions were.

    Zhang San let out a frightening laugh. “So even the heavens are against me. Then come, give me all you’ve got! Even if you give me the eighty-first restriction, I’ll still conquer it without fail!”

    The inner wheel slowed down. It steadily approached the end of the wheel.  Zhang San’s eyes were bloodshot. “Don’t tell me they’re really going to give me the eighty first….”

    The seventy-sixth, seventy-seventh, seventy-eighth...seventy-ninth…….eightieth……...….and it slowly ticked onto the eighty-first.

    It moved, slowly. It hit the pin connecting the eighty-first and the first tribulation. Then the pointer bent…...and slipped into the section of the first tribulation.

    “The first tribulation! To think that I was saved by a hair’s breadth.” Zhang San let out a huge breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. He did say that, but if it really landed on the eighty-first….

    Cold sweat the size of peas flowed down his forehead, just thinking about it.

    “Congratulations!” A minute voice sounded.

    “What was that?” Zhang San looked around. Divine Sense was not allowed in the Awoken Testing Grounds.

    “Here!” The voice sounded from his feet. Zhang San looked down, only to discover an orange bear-like creature with a blue military hat staring back up at him. “Once again, congratulations! You’re the first person who has landed on the eighty-second restriction!”

    “The eighty-second restriction?” Zhang San peered closely to look at the pointer. Between the eighty-first and the first restriction, there existed an almost non existent panel. He almost needed a microscope to see the characters eight and two written on it.

    Zhang San was speechless. The eighty second tribulation? The eighty first was already the pinnacle of difficulty. What kind of unreasonable request is the eighty-second?

    Suddenly, Zhang San could feel his energy flowing out of his body. His soul shrunk in size, the energy that he had painstakingly cultivated for the past ten thousand years lost to the heavens.

    “What's going on?” He cried out in surprise.

    “Simple.” The orange bear smiled maliciously. “You have landed on restriction of Mortality. See you in a billion years.” He clapped his hands.

    A hole instantly opened up under Zhang San’s feet. By this time, his paltry cultivation base could no longer support flying. He fell through the floor of the Awoken Testing Grounds, the floor of the Divine Heavens, the ground of the Divine Plane, into the Upper Plane.

    The Immortals of the Upper Plane looked at the figure falling from the sky disappear as the ground swallowed him, once again falling through, toward to the Lower Plane.


  • edited March 2016
    Chapter 1: A Clueless God in the Mortal Realm
    Spoiler:

    “Grandpa, when’s this person going to wake up?” A girl, perhaps around eight years old, asked the old man beside her.

    “Shh...don’t be so loud, Qiao’er. This young man needs his rest.” The elderly man whispered.

    The little girl named Qiao’er puffed up her cheeks. “But grandpa! There’s no one to play with me!”

    “Okay, okay, I’ll play with you in the afternoon.” The old man relented. “Just don’t disturb him for now.”

    “Pinky promise?” She stretched out her pinky.

    “Okay, pinky promise.” The old man smiled, then stretched out his wrinkled pinky. The little girl giggled, then ran off.

    Zhang San’s field of vision grew wider as his eyelids fluttered open. He groaned in discomfort. Never in his life had he felt this uncomfortable. Every muscle in his body ached, twinges of pain shot up his nerves like electricity every time he moved.

    “This is….” He lifted his hand up into the air, looking at the back of his hand. “So this is mortality.” He smiled mournfully.

    “Young man, you’ve woken up.” The elderly grandpa noticed his actions, and walked over.

    “Where...where am I?” Zhang San groaned out.

    “We are in the eighteenth layer of hell.” He tried to scare Zhang San a bit.

    “What’s hell?” Zhang San followed up with another question.

    “Hahaha. Young man, surely you know what hell is! Don’t tell me you hit your head so hard that you can’t even remember what hell is?” He laughed out, thinking it was a joke.

    It was not. Zhang San had spent most of his life living in a cave, and the concept of hell had never even touched his ears.

    “No. What’s hell?” Zhang San repeated.

    “Young man, don’t try to trick…” The old man laughed out once more, ready to rebuke Zhang San for his failed attempt at lying. Then he noticed the truly clueless expression on Zhang San’s face. “Seriously?”

    “Of course. What’s hell?” Zhang San repeated for the third time.

    The elderly man sighed. Did this kid truly hit his head too hard, or did he live his life under a rock? From his standpoint, the former was the more likely choice. “Do you know what your name is?”

    “Zhang San.” Zhang San promptly replied. “Now tell me about he-”

    The elderly man interrupted. “Zhang San? So you really don’t remember your name. You have amnesia! We need to get you to the town healer, fast!”

    “In what way do I not remember my name?” Zhang San commented angrily. “It’s Zhang San!”

    “Exactly! We need to get you a name! It won’t do to use this random placeholder for a long time!” The elderly man tugged at Zhang San, pulling him out of the bed.

    Zhang San grew angry. “I said, it’s Zhang San! How is my name a placeholder?”

    “Who named you?"

    “My parents. Please tell me about he-”

    “How old are you?”

    “Eleven thousand, five hundred sixty one years old. Now te-”

    “Everyone! We need to get this poor young man to the healer! He’s going crazy in the head! He thinks he’s over ten thousand years old!”

    “I AM over ten thousand years old. Now if you would please tell m-”

    “Old Wu! Old Wu! Over here!”

    “.................”

    Twenty minutes passed.

    “As of now, I can see no injuries on him except for some light scratches.” The healer concluded. “His head doesn’t seem to have suffered any form of impact over the last few months. He should be fine.”

    “Bet he insists that he’s over ten thousand years old! Old Wu, please find a way to save him!” The elderly man cried.

    “Old Ming, I’m afraid there’s nothing I can help you with as of now.” The man nicknamed as Old Wu shook his head in dismay.

    Zhang San looked at all of them hopelessly.

    “Fine,” the elderly man admitted his loss, “We’ll just call you Zhang San until we find you a suitable name.”

    Zhang San wanted to cry.

    A few hours passed, and the amnesia fiasco finally calmed down.

    “Zhang San, can you chop wood?” Grandpa Ming asked him.

    Zhang San was confused. “Chop wood? Why do we need to do that?”

    Grandpa Ming looked at him as if he was an idiot. “Of course, we need it for the fire in the stove!”

    “Fire?” Zhang San. “Since when did that ever use wood?”

    “We burn wood as fuel!” Grandpa Ming pulled at his hair at the idiocy of this kid.

    “Fuel?” Zhang San got even more confused. “Can’t you just use divine energy as fuel? Since when did we switch to wo-”

    Bonk! A bump appeared on Zhang San’s head as Grandpa Ming smashed a block of wood into it. “You think divine energy is like water? You think fire element cultivators are like carrots, appearing all over the world, huh? Well I’ll tell you, cultivators are extremely powerful, not someone ordinary like us can stand up to. They are someone who can embark on the immortal path, extending their lifetimes to become truly over ten thousand years old, not like some phony boy like you who can only boast!”

    Zhang San looked at him with an amazed expression. Grandpa Ming put on a proud expression, waiting for the “I can’t believe it”s and “Wow”s.

    Zhang San finally opened his mouth. “Grandpa, what kind of mystical existence are carrots, to exist all over the world?”

    Grandpa Ming nearly fell over. What kind of heaven-sent idiot was this?

    Zhang San was sent outside to cut wood for a whole thirty minutes. Only a few weeks ago, he could split a cheap material like this with just a glare. Now, every single muscle in his body was aching, and he felt horrible. Mortality really was the worst thing that he landed on!

    He placed a new piece of wood on the tree stump. His hand grasped the hatchet tightly. “Hah!”

    With all his power, he swung down the axe onto the piece of wood, as if it was the most formidable enemy he has ever faced.

    Thunk! The axe bit into the wood and cut into it about five centimeters. However, Zhang San didn’t give up and lifted the axe up, intending to cut it perfectly in half this time.

    The axe flew down, and cut into the wood a different place from before. It made another five centimeter cut. WIthout the Divine Vision and the Pinpoint Strike ability that he had painstakingly cultivated for tens of years in his past life, he was about as accurate a kid with a blindfold pinning a tail on the donkey.

    “How many pieces of wood have you chopped, Zhang San?” Grandpa Ming walked over. He inspected the clumsily cut pieces of wood.

    “Two…” The two pieces Zhang San pointed to had many small cut marks on it. He had swung the axe at least fifty times each in order to break them in half.

    “That’s no good…” Grandpa Ming gazed at him with eyes full of pity. “How can you consider yourself a man?”

    “You’re saying that women can do this better than I can?” Zhang San rebuked.

    “Of course!” Grandpa Ming looked at him with disdain. “Qiao’er, come here!”

    “What is it, grandpa?” A little head peeked out from the corner of the building.

    “Don’t ask, just come over here.”

    “Are you going to have me cut wood again? I’m not doing it.” Pouting, she turned away.

    “Qiao’er, come back! You just need to help me prove a point!” He cried out.

    The little girl named Qiao’er turned back. “And anything else?”

    “No...that’s it.” Grandpa Ming replied.

    “You stupid grandpa! You promised you would play with me today! You pinky promised! And you forgot!” She stuck out her tongue and turned back again.

    “I didn’t forget! Qiao’er, come back! It’s not the end of the day yet!”

    She didn’t answer.

    Zhang San looked at Grandpa Ming and gave him a smile. “So...what did you say again? You can't even convince a little girl to help you, in what ways are you better than me?”

    “Y-you rascal! Let me show you how it’s done!” Grandpa Ming’s face was red like a tomato. He pulled up his long sleeves and snatched the hatchet out of Zhang San’s hands.

    He lifted it up, and with tremendous force, swung it down on the wood. A giant “thunk” sound resounded as the hatchet split the wood in half and hit the tree trunk.

    “And that…” he smiled complacently, “is how you chop wood.”

    Zhang San looked at the piece of wood, split perfectly in half. “So? You only proved that you can chop wood, not that little girls can!”

    He was inwardly depressed. His age was over ten thousand years old. How could a little boy like this old man overpower him by this much?

    He sighed at his misfortune. Just what did he do to deserve this?

    He raised the axe again, hacking away at the wood with the strength of a disabled person.

    By this time, it was already six o’clock in the afternoon, and the sun had begun to hid itself behind the mountains.

    Suddenly, a burst of pain appeared in his stomach.

    “Not good!” Zhang San thought. “Poison!”

    He felt this kind of pain before, when someone had poisoned him on the Divine Plane with the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder. It took him seven months and fourteen days of straight seclusion to finally suppress the effects. Unfortunately, now, it had appeared in the Mortal Realm, once again striking him with the deadly symptoms.

    Which great expert brought out this kind of great poison to kill him? To even chase him to the Mortal Realm? Unbelievable!

    Zhang San grimaced, as the pangs grew greater. It felt like insects from that wierd “hell” place ate away at the inside of his stomach.

    His cultivation base was nonexistent, so he had no way of suppressing this effect. Oh, the misfortune! Oh, the grief! Oh, the pain!

  • i like the comedy so far & how can he become the most powerful immortal with so little knowledge.Well plz post more chapters
  • edited March 2016
    Chapter 2: A Legendary Poison in the Mortal Realm
    Spoiler:

    “What’s wrong?” Grandpa Ming quickly noticed Zhang San’s pale complexion. “Don’t tell me you’re this tired from chopping wood!”

    “Ugh…”Zhang San croaked. “I’ve been poisoned!”

    “Poisoned?” Grandpa Ming revealed a face of shock. “Who dares poison someone in my house?”

    Zhang San leaned on the nearby stump. “I don’t know. All I know is that they have malicious intentions. To even bring the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder here...they must be extremely powerful.”

    “I’ve never heard of the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder before, but it sounds like a legendary poison!” Grandpa Ming stroked his beard in anger.

    “It is!” Zhang San growled. “It’s one of the top fifty divine poisons!”

    “How did they administer it to your body?” Grandpa Ming probed for answers.

    “Hah…” Zhang San grimaced. “If they have the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder, they must be a great master of poison! A great master of poison is generally a great master of healing as well! I wouldn’t doubt he could anesthetize the area, make a cut, apply the poison, heal it up, and be gone before I noticed him!”

    He could feel the pain of the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder’s effect, his body felt like it was being devoured by hungry beasts.

    “This is even more intense than the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder that I was afflicted with last time!” Zhang San smiled grimly. “Looks like I’m truly done for.” He thought through all the medicines that the Divine Plane had. Although he did not know how to create an of them, he still knew the names and the uses of the medicines. In an instant, he

    “Grandpa Ming, please prepare a Godly Rejuvenation Pill.” He quickly announced in a weak voice. “Maybe that will be able to save me.”

    “A Godly what Pill?” Grandpa Ming asked.

    “A Godly Rejuvenation Pill.” Zhang San repeated. He had a bad sense of foreboding.

    “What the hell is a Godly Rejuvenation Pill?” Now it was Grandpa Ming’s turn to ask questions.

    Zhang San suddenly remembered. “Crap, the Lower Plane doesn’t have Godly Rejuvenation Pills! What am I supposed to do…”

    He continued. “Then do you have a Heavenly Rejuvenation Pill?”

    “No.” Grandpa Ming shook his head. “What in the world is that?”

    “A Saintly Rejuvenation Pill?"

    “No…"

    “Earthly Rejuvena-”

    “No!”

    “Immor-”

    “I said no already! Are you going to keep on asking?” Grandpa Ming shouted. This kid was continually asking him for pills that didn’t even exist. Was he poisoned, or was he just mentally crazy?

    “Then what type of rejuvenation or poison resisting pills do you have?” Zhang San was desperate.

    “We have the Full Circle Rejuvenation Pill, as well as the Ninefold Poison Cleansing Pill!” Grandpa Ming told him the reality of the situation.

    “Full Circle Rejuvenation Pill, Ninefold Poison Cleansing Pill?” Zhang San inquired.

    Grandpa Ming nodded.

    “Never heard of them.”

    Grandpa Ming stared blankly and didn’t look ahead, causing the two of the two of them to walk into a tree.

    “Owowow! Grandpa Ming, couldn’t you at least look ahead when you walk?” Zhang San complained. The symptoms of the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder as well as the large bump forming on his forehead were killing him.

    “What kind of idiot are you!” Grandpa Ming finally blew his top. “To not even hear of the Full Circle Rejuvenation Pill and the Ninefold Poison Cleansing Pill, yet you randomly make up those names of ‘whatever-awesome-sounding-adjective’ Rejuvenation Pill, do you have some mental problem. Huh? Huh?”

    Zhang San stared at him. He didn’t make it up. If it was him, he would have claimed that those pills that Grandpa Ming named were phony. Who uses a pill without the adjective of at least “Immortal” before it? Actually, who even knows of a pill without that adjective before it? Did he dig out the pills from a trash dump or something, and were planning on passing them to Zhang San? Truly a cheapskate!

    Pills with the adjective of “Immortal” before it didn’t even cost a hundredth of a Divine Stone before it. Considering the deflation of money as you travel down the realms, one “Immortal” surnamed pill should worth a molecule of a Divine Stone! This Grandpa wasn’t even willing to take that much out of his pocket to save a life!

    “Do you know how much a Full Circle Rejuvenation Pill costs?” Grandpa Ming continued his rant, no longer caring about the fatally poisoned Zhang San. “Five hundred thousand gold coins! Five hundred thousand! And you dare say you haven’t even heard of it! Where did you live? Under a rock?”

    “Yeah….” Zhang San didn’t get the symbolic meaning of it, but he replied anyway.

    Grandpa Ming ignored him. “Listen, in this world, one must be truthful!”

    Nearby, a couple of people were gathered.

    “Look, it’s that old wrinkly grandpa with a bald spot on his head! He’s scolding someone with that ridiculous speech of his again!” One of them whispered with a voice loud enough for Zhang San to hear.

    “Achoo!” Grandpa Ming suddenly sneezed. “I get a feeling that someone is saying something bad about me….”

    The group of people heard this, and immediately took off. The one who insulted Grandpa Ming shouted while running away, “I’m sorry for bothering the handsome grandpa whose hair is perfect while he is giving the boy a righteous and insightful lecture!”

    “Ahem.” Grandpa Ming coughed, then stroked his beard. “At least, you should not always lie and make up things that absolutely could not be true.”

    Zhang San remembered the previous scene and laughed until his stomach hurt. Wait, it was already hurting.

    Grandpa Ming quickly leaned Zhang San on his back again. “Quick, we have to get you back. Although we do not have  Full Circle Rejuvenation Pills and Ninefold Poison Cleansing Pills, we at least have Minor Rejuvenation Pills and the Mini Poison Clearing Pills.”

    Zhang San laughed helplessly. That name sounded even more pitiful! If this was a month ago, let alone Minor Rejuvenation Pills and Mini Poison Clearing Pills, even Heavenly Rejuvenation Pills and Million Immunity Pills were medicines that weren’t even worthy to be crushed under the sole of his shoe.

    Now he was just relying on these cheap garbage to cure the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder? It might as well be knocking on the doors of...uh...the Eighty-First Heavenly Tribulation.

    He was laid upon the bed, his face pale with the vitality of a sloth and the ferocity of a kitty-cat.

    Suddenly, a terrible rumbling noise resounded within the room.

    “The final effects of the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder. I’m going to perish soon….” Zhang San mumbled mournfully.

    Qiao’er popped up next to the bed. “Big Brother’s stomach is rumbling. Does Big Brother feel hungry?”

    “Hungry?” Zhang San croaked with a weak voice. “What’s that?”

    Everyone in the room, well, only Grandpa Ming, looked at him as if he were crazy.

    “Zhang San, when’s the last time you have eaten?” Grandpa Ming asked.

    “Eaten? What’s an eaten? Is it some kind of poison?” Zhang San closed his eyes.

    “Eaten? Well, eaten food?” Grandpa Ming continued, sweat the size of peas dripping down his forehead. If the situation was actually what he thought it was, then he must also be going crazy.

    “What’s food?”

    Grandpa Ming really collapsed this time. What kind of living thing didn’t know about food? Zhang San had fallen down here nearly two weeks ago, most of which he spent in a coma. It would be natural for him to be hungry. Just earlier, when they were chopping wood, Grandpa Ming was wondering why Zhang San never asked about dinner.

    To think he didn’t know what food is! How did he even live for this long if he hasn’t eaten anything or drank water? The three necessities of humans are food, water, and shelter. Then, continuing his train of thought, he imagined something more frightening.

    “Zhang San, are you thirsty?” Grandpa Ming asked.

    “No,” Zhang San replied, causing Grandpa Ming to relax a bit. At least he knew what being thirst was! He took a cup of water from the nearby table, taking a deep gulp. Unfortunately, Zhang San once again crushed his moment of relief.

    “I’m Zhang San!” Zhang San stated resolutely. “I won’t change my name! No matter how hard you try, I will never do it! Even if I die to the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder and ‘Hungry’, I will never change my name!”

    Pfft! The water that Grandpa Ming had just ingested was shot out as he coughed, the entirety of it landing on Zhang San’s face.

    “What was that for? To use a water based attack on me while I’m about to die, that’s downright dirty!” Zhang San fumed, but he still looked deathly pale, as if each word drained a bit of his vitality.

    “Qiao’er, *cough* quick *cough* get him *cough* a *cough* bo-*cough* a bowl of rice!” Grandpa Ming sputtered out amidst his coughing.

    “Rice?” Zhang San asked. “What kind of pill is ‘Rice’? Do you think ‘Rice’ can cure the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder?”

    “No!” Granpda Ming coughed out. “You’re *cough* just *cough* hungry!!”

    “I said I don’t want to change my name!” Zhang San retorted. “Not ‘Hungry’, not ‘Thirsty’, and not ‘Carrot’ or whatever weird name that you want to change my name to!”

    Qiao’er presently came back with a bowl of rice, as well as a cup of water. Grandpa Ming took them from her, then plopped it down in Zhang San’s lap. “Here, eat!”

    “I don’t want to be named ‘Eat’ either, you stupid old man! Haven’t I told you enough?” Zhang San growled.

    Grandpa Ming sighed, then explained. “Eat is, to, uh put it in your mouth and swallow it.”

    “Oh.” Zhang San realized. “So it’s a verb. You mean something like ‘ingest’?”

    “Yes!” Grandpa Ming cheered, as he finally got the message across.

    Zhang San looked at the bowl in front of him. “This pill has a weird shape, and there’s no medicinal aroma coming from it. Are you sure this can cure the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder?”

    “Of course!” Grandpa Ming didn’t want to argue with him anymore. Zhang San’s stupidity might drive him insane.

    Zhang San first took the cup of water and poured it down his throat. His parched throat which he didn’t pay much attention to due to the pain in his stomach was moisturized. “To think that the water element has such healing properties!” he exclaimed.

    Grandpa Ming smiled grimly at the statement.

    Next, Zhang San promptly took the whole bowl of rice and dumped it into his mouth, and swallowed it without chewing. He choked.

    Grandpa Ming sighed, then patted Zhang San’s back as he slowly managed to get the giant ball of rice down his esophagus.

    Zhang San immediately felt the difference as the ball of rice entered his stomach. It stopped churning, then slowly calmed down. “It, it worked!” He exclaimed. “To dispel the effects of the Hearteating Seraphinite Powder within mere seconds, this ‘Rice’ is truly a Godly, no, a medicine above the Godly Tier! To think that I would encounter something like this!”

    He continued his speculation. “To not even dispel the faintest of medicinal aroma, this ‘Rice’ must be the work of a legendary pill master! I just wantonly swallowed the pill down, I didn’t even get to appreciate it, what a waste, what a waste.”

    “Actually, we have more if you want.” Grandpa Ming interrupted his train of thought.

    “To make so many God-Transcending ‘Rice’ Pills, the grandmaster must be exceedingly unfathomable! To think that he was hiding in the Lower Plane! There are many secrets that I haven’t uncovered.” Zhang San stated resolutely.

    Grandpa Ming looked at him with sympathy.

  • Chapter 3: A Pill Grandmaster in the Mortal Realm
    Spoiler:

    Zhang San looked curiously around the kitchen. “Where is this place?”

    “This is the kitchen.” Grandpa Ming announced. “It’s where we cook thi-”

    “What’s-” Zhang San interrupted.

    Grandpa Ming by now knew Zhang San’s cluelessness and therefore quickly interjected. “-uh, it’s where we refine pills.”

    “Oooooh….” Zhang San finally understood. “To think the grandmaster stays here in this special kit-chant place to refine pills. Formidable. Truly formidable.”

    Grandpa Ming didn’t say a word.

    Zhang San walked around, scrutinizing every single thing he laid his eyes upon. “What is this?” He asked, picking up a pot.

    “It’s a po...it’s a pill furnace.” Grandpa Ming’s reaction was slightly faster this time.

    Zhang San almost dropped the pot. “A-a pill furnace of a God-Transcending pill grandmaster! Wow! To think that I’m touching something like this with my own hands. Back on the Divine Plane, I was able to knock over the furnace of a Godly Tier pill master without any trouble, but I have never met a pill grandmaster of this caliber before!”

    “Hahaha….” Grandpa Ming laughed weakly. This kid was truly too weird.

    Next, Zhang San came across the pantry. It contained various edible foods, such as cabbages, bok choy, radishes, some dried meat….

    “Wh-what?” Zhang San excalimed. “Grandpa Ming, is this what I think it is? Is this the-”

    Grandpa Ming didn’t even need to wait for him to finish. “That is the medicinal storage of the pill grandmaster.” He just needed to play along, eventually Zhang San would get over this period of his fantasies and would slowly grow out of it.

    Zhang San’s eyes glittered like countless stars. “Wow, so amazing! None of these plants leak any medicinal aroma! This is truly a heaven-defying treasure trove of magical alchemical herbs which I have not seen or heard of any of them before!”

    He reached out and grabbed a radish. “Heavens! Grandpa, what medicinal herb is this?”

    Grandpa Ming stroked his beard and thought for a mere second. “This is...this is the Godly Crimson Earth Rending Fruit from the Tenth Heaven!” He just randomly chose some good sounding adjectives and added in “Tenth Heaven” for extra effect. He truly didn’t want to con Zhang San, but since it had already gone this far, he might as well play along with it. Who knew if it wasn’t actually Zhang San taking him for a ride!

    “The-the Godly Crimson Earth Rending Fruit from the Tenth Heaven!” Zhang San excalimed. “I’ve only traveled up to the Ninth Heaven, where the Awoken Testing Grounds are, but there is a Tenth Heaven? This-this pill grandmaster is at least an Awoken God! Who amongst the Awoken Gods would have such a terrifying skill in alchemy?”

    “What is-”

    “That is the Heaven-Defying Solitary Sprout of Four Seasons, also from the Tenth Heaven!”(Scallions/Green Onions)

    “What-”

    “The Golden Mystical Embryo of Origin!”(Egg)

    “This!”

    “The wing of the Luan Ancestor who rules the Tenth Heaven!”(chicken wing)

    “Were Luans always this small? Oh, I get it! It must have the ability to compress its body to a millionth of its original size! What about this!” Zhang San was excited beyond belief. To see all the legendary herbs and materials of the place he long to go laid out before him, it was amazing.

    “The carrot.” Grandpa Ming didn’t have much to say about this one.

    “The legendary carrot! Amazing!” The carrot was neatly placed back on the shelf as if it were a priceless treasure.

    “And…”

    “That is the bag of rice.”

    “‘Rice!’ So this is the raw form of the 'Rice Pill'!” Zhang San exclaimed.

    “Yes.” Grandpa Ming was basically forcing a smile by now.

    “Who exactly is the pill grandmaster?” asked Zhang San.

    Grandpa Ming stroked his beard. “He is away on a great journey right now. He will be back in about a thousand yea-”

    Qiao’er appeared behind them. “Grandpa cooks for us.”

    “Cooks?” Zhang San asked. “Ah, you mean pill concocting.”

    Grandpa Ming was agitated in his mind. “Heavens. Qiao’er! Don’t crush this boy’s dreams so easily! You need to wait slowly for him to realize that it’s all fake!” Of course, he said it all in his head so nobody heard him.

    “Grandpa Ming, you’re the pill grandmaster?” Zhang San’s eyes were round like pills.

    Grandpa Ming knew the game was up, and slowly sighed. “Yes, I am the pill grandmaster.” He tried to soften the blow to the boy’s heart at least.

    “Gr-gr…” Zhang San stuttered. Grandpa Ming awaited the outburst.

    “Grandmaster!” Zhang San bowed. “I truly had eyes but could not recognize Mount Tai!” He learned this phrase from some bandits on the Divine Plane when they had tried to rob him and were begging for their lives. “Even on the Divine Plane, you would be extremely respected and exalted. May I please know your real name?”

    “What real name?” Grandpa Ming inquired.

    “You know, there’s a fake name to disguise yourself to everyone else, and there’s your real name!” Zhang San exclaimed.

    “You brat!” Grandpa Ming cried out. “Are you trying to get revenge on me for that whole name fiasco? You little devil!”

    Zhang San shook his head furiously. “It was my mistake not recognizing a grandmaster in alchemy! They usually have the title of Pill Demon, or Pill Cauldron, or Pill Mountain, or Pill-”

    Grandpa Ming sighed, instantly causing Zhang San to shut up. He came up with a name in the blink of an eye. “I am the Pill...uh….Chef! Yes, I am the Pill Chef!”

    “The Pill Chef!” Zhang San exclaimed, despite not knowing what a chef was. “What a mysterious name, so profound and unfathomable.”

    Grandpa Ming stroked his beard. “My real name is..uh..Peng Zu!” He quoted off from a historical record. “I am of the founder of all food...uh...Food Tier Pills!”

    “So Food Tier is the name of the tier beyond Godly Tier Pills! Grandpa Ming, will you please teach me how to refine Food Tier Pills?” Zhang San asked. Before he fell to the Mortal Realm, he had no time to study alchemy, each day training and training and training. He inhaled Immortal Tier Pills like he breathed air. He drank Earthly Tier Pills like someone would drink water, although he didn’t know what water was. He ate Heavenly Tier Pills like eating candy, but he has never heard of candy. He ate Saintly Tier Pills like any sensible person in the Mortal Realm would eat Food Tier Pills. Heck, he would even get a few Godly Tier Pills here and there. But Food Tier Pills? Those were incomparable existences!

    He knew that the dao of alchemy was incomparably profound, in order to progress far in it would require a good master. With a grandmaster of alchemy, he could fly far above where he could only try to reach before!

    “Hmph!” Grandpa Ming continued the facade. “You must first at least provide me with a cultivation technique that you have!! I am a grandmaster of alchemy, but my cultivation is terribly low due to devoting my life to it!”

    Zhang San immediately nodded and started writing one of the most basic yet powerful cultivation techniques that he had. One must know that in this world, it was impossible to start from the ultimate training technique in one go, unless they wanted their body to be blown into a quattuordecillion pieces due to energy overflow. Therefore, one needs to set the foundations using basic cultivation techniques. And the one that he presented was one nearly at the peak of the Immortal tier!

    To simplify, the stronger the cultivation technique is compared to others of the same tier, the more powerful it will be!

    Grandpa Ming went over it once. “This is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo pieced together. So this kid was truly joking around!”

    He glanced at Zhang San gazing at him with expectancy. He stuffed the paper within his robe, preparing to toss it in the trash later when he had the chance. “All right, I shall teach you my skills in alchemy!”

    “Thank you, thank you so much!” Zhang San clasped his hands together. He had lived under a rock his whole life, so he never knew how to be arrogant and he had the same knowledge of what “face” was as a person from the Fifty Stars and Thirteen Horizontal Lines Dalu. Everything he said was based off common sense, well, what he thought was common sense anyway.

    “Alright!” Grandpa Ming rubbed his hands together. “The first thing we are going to learn is how to coo...refine rice!”

    Zhang San hurriedly cried out. “Grandmaster Peng Zu, isn’t it better to start from easier pills first, rather than the legendary Food Tier pills such as the ‘Rice’ Pill?””

    “Nonsense!” Cried Grandpa Ming. “Food has no restrictions! Who said that you have to have foundations to make them! Especially rice, the easiest of them all! Unless you are one of the people selected for ‘Worst Che...Alchemists in Quintuple Golden Stars Dalu’, you have the skills necessary to coo...refine rice!”

    (Note: spoof off of Worst Chefs in America)

    “What?” Zhang San was surprised. To learn how to refine these legendary pills only required a small amount of skill. He didn’t what the “Worst Alchemists in Quintuple Golden Stars Dalu” was, but it had the words “Worst Alchemists” in it, so it should be fairly horrible. Therefore, as long as the student had someone teaching them, wouldn’t it be as easy as sleeping?

    “Okay, what you first have to do is to clean the ingredients. You don’t want any dirt or bugs...impurities on them! You have to purify them using the water element.”

    Zhang San nodded, and tried to manipulate the water element. However, he was a mortal now who wasn’t even a cultivator, so he was unable to gather the elements.

    Grandpa Ming laughed. “Look.”

    He walked towards the faucet outside of the house, which was for the whole village to use, and turned the handle, causing water to flow out. There was a rudimentary pipeline system out of the village, as the nearest water source was a few kilometers away.


    Zhang San jumped back in horror. “What...what just happened? What kind of monstrosity is that?” He asked, pointing at the faucet.

    “It’s a faucet.” Grandpa Ming replied.

    “So there are metallic monsters called Foss-its in the Mortal Realm which can manipulate the water element!” Zhang San exclaimed. “Grandmaster Ming, get back! You don’t have any cultivation! Let me handle this monster!”

    Grandpa Ming sighed. “This guy works for us.”

    Zhang San opened his eyes until they were as wide as circles. “To think that you have a beast like this which follows you. Truly great, truly unfathomable.”

    Grandpa Ming coughed, then went back to washing the rice. After washing the rice, or in Zhang San’s mind, removing the impurities, he placed the rice into the pot.

    “So you know move the raw rice into the pot-the alchemy furnace.” He explained.

    Zhang San nodded vigorously. “What types of flames do we use?”

    “We use the wood you cut earlier.” After they gathered the wood, they used flint and steel to create a fire.

    “Now what do we do?” Zhang San asked eagerly.

    “We wait.”

    After a long time of silence, Grandpa Wu lifted the lid. “And it’s done.”

    Zhang San looked at it doubtfully. “Aren’t there more steps to refine Food Tier Pills?”

    “Nope!” Grandpa Wu dismissed his statement. “That’s all! Remember, in any path that you take, you first have to comprehend it from simple to complex, then from complex back to simple. It is only through this way that you can master anything! This is the pinnacle of the dao of alchemy!” He was totally BS’ing all of this.

    He took a portion of rice from the pot and put it into a bowl, which he gave to Zhang San. This time, he remembered to tell Zhang San something, so he handed him a spoon. “In order to fully display the medicinal effects, you must eat it in different portions.”

    Zhang San was still extremely hungry at this time. He took one spoonful, and he felt the rice go into his stomach, and his vitality soared up, his body and mind both becoming much more refreshed and clear. He no longer had any doubts. “This is truly the Rice Pill! To think that the final goal of the dao of alchemy is this! I must quickly strive to learn all the knowledge that Grandmaster Ming imparts to me!”


  • Looks interesting 
  • edited December 2017
    Thanks! New Chapter incoming!
  • edited December 2017
    Chapter 4: A Sin Treasure in the Mortal Realm
    Spoiler:

    And so, Zhang San began learning the ancient art of Alchemy, learning from Grandpa Ming how to coo….ahem. Refine Food Tier pills.

    Three days later.

    “Ahaha!” Zhang San cried in delight. “In just three short days, I have learned how to refine the legendary Food Tier pill, the ‘Porridge’ Nectar! I mastered it even faster than I did for God Tier pills! It seems that dropping to the mortal realm has actually enhanced my comprehension skills!”

    Grandpa Ming looked at Zhang San as if he were looking at an idiot.

    Three days to learn how to cook porridge? And he was PROUD of that?

    He recalled everything that happened in the past three days.

    Day 1:

    “Grandpa, for some reason the ‘Porridge’ Pill just turned out the same as the ‘Rice’ pill.”

    “You idiot, put in some more water!”

    “T-to get water from your personal Foss-it beast, this disciple doesn’t dare!”

    “....”

    Day 2:

    “Grandpa, this ‘Porridge’ Nectar seems to have a different effect than what you showed to me last time.”

    “What did you do? Let me taste some.”

    “T-to have the legendary grandmaster to correct my pill, I’m deeply honored.”

    “....Oh well, you always say stuff like that.”

    “Is it effective?”

    “Wh-what the? Y-you put sugar!!!!!!!”

    “...I’m sorry. Disciple won’t make the same mistake again.”

    “You know what sugar is, right?”

    “......................I’m sorry. What’s sugar?”

    Day 3:

    “Look, with this oxymoronic “chilly”, I can actually create the opposite effect of a burning sensation when you ingest it! The power of the porridge nectar turned cold into hot: a reversal of elements! Truly formidable!”

    “Chili’s aren’t supposed to go in porridge! That’s counterintuitive! Do it again!”

    ……

    And that’s where they were now, after eating (failed) porridge for three straight days.

    A day later, Zhang San went to wake up Qiao’er for breakfast.

    *Knock knock knock* “Qiao’er?” There was no answer.

    *Knock knock knock* “Qiao’er?” No answer again.

    *Knock knock knock* “Qiao’er?” Nothing.

    Zhang San’s mind swam. Oh no! It could be an enemy. He quickly braced himself, tossed in a Rice Pill for rejuvenation during the fight, and kicked open the door. Well, actually it was a sliding door, so rather than kicking open the door, he kicked through it.

    “...”

    After kicking the paper door a few times more, he managed to make a hole the size of a person to get through. He stepped inside to find Qiao’er collapsed on the ground.

    “Qiao’er!” He quickly rushed to the unmoving body and tried to feel for a life force using his divine sense, but he wasn’t able to detect anything. “Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!-wait.” He didn’t have his divine sense anymore. Thus, he tried to listen for breathing, and he heard it. She was fine.

    At this point, Grandpa Ming who had heard his cry of despair rushed over and saw the scene. “My doooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!” He cried in grief and rage, then saw the scene.

    Zhang San responded with concern, “Grandpa, there’s something wrong with Qiao’er. Her face is red, body temperature is too high, and she’s coughing, but there’s no blood.”

    Grandpa Ming felt Qiao’er’s forehead. “She has a fever. Looks like she caught a cold.”

    Zhang San thought with heavy despondency. “I think I’ve heard of a dangerous Sin Treasure called the Yin Soul Eater which causes victims to behave like this. It sucks out all the Yin energy in humans, causing their Yang qi to spiral out of control, eventually burning the target to death from their own energy within three days. It’s traceless, undetectable, and incredibly dangerous. After their death, the sin treasure devours their soul and refines it into a component of the treasure. It couldn’t be…”

    Grandpa Ming sighed “Don’t worry, it’s going to be fine, just quickly get her some of the Porridge Nectar.”

    “No….more...porridge.” Qiao’er mumbled in her sleep.

    “...”

    “...”

    Zhang San quickly interjected, “Wow! So the Porridge Nectar can even avoid effects from Sin Treasures!”

    Grandpa Ming sighed again. “Yes, yes. Just go get it.”

    Zhang San quickly rushed to the kitchen and got a bowl of porridge, bringing it to the room. Grandpa Ming took the bowl and placed it beside Qiao’er. After getting a wet towel and placing it on her forehead, they retreated out of the room.

    Grandpa Ming looked at the gaping hole in the door. “My door….”

    After they left the room, Grandpa Ming dropped some coins into Zhang San’s hand. “Zhang San, take these to the Lu family’s apothecary...uh...pill pavilion and buy some cold medicine. This will just be enough.”

    Zhang San nodded, then thought for a second. “Grandpa, if we already have the porridge pill, what’s the point of the cold me-tee-sin?”

    Grandpa Ming sighed again, for the god knows how manieth time today. “The porridge can only stall the condition; we need medicine to cure it.”

    Zhang San took it down mentally. “So not even the porridge pill is omnipotent enough to rid her of the curse from the sin treasure. Looks like there’s much more I need to know! Hm...what kind of miracle pill is the cold me-tee-sin?”

    Then he looked at what Grandpa Ming gave him to trade for that miraculous pill. It was a few blocks of metal shaped into circles with holes cut in them.

    “...Grandpa, what is this?”

    “HOW DID YOU SURVIVE IN THE WORLD WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT THE HELL MONEY WAS??????” Grandpa Ming felt like 249 mud horses just trampled all over him. Then, when he thought it was all over, they turned around and trampled him again.

    “Wouldn’t it be better if this ma-nee is used to make weapons? Wait, this quality of material is so low, there’s really no point in making a weapon out of it.

    “Are you stupid? This piece of copper can buy over 5 of the basic weapons in the blacksmith store! And you’re saying it isn’t valuable?” Grandpa Ming shouted in his head. Then he quickly responded, “Whatever, just take this money and go buy some medicine. Don’t ask any useless questions.”

    Zhang San, still confused, walked outside to find the Lu family house.

    ….

    Zhang San looked around. There were trees. And rabbits. Lots of rabbits.

    “Hey! Stop chewing at my hair! It’s not a pill!” he exclaimed, swiping at that one bunny which was eating his hair. But the majority of them were crowding around the bag he had at his waist. Zhang San quickly grabbed the bag and held it over his head. Then the bunnies started climbing all over him.

    “No! This is the precious carrot herb! It’s not for you unintelligent creatures to eat!” He cried in despair. If it was his former self, he could have blown away all these fluffy monstrosities with a single palm.

    How the hell did he end up in this predicament, stuck in a forest with a hundred bunnies crawling all over him? He was clearly going to the Lu family’s house. After turning left according to the directions, he kept on walking until he came to the woods, and kept on walking into the woods. Yeah, he was lost. He passed the Lu house a long time ago.

    Zhang San was almost out of energy trying to keep the divine carrot herb away from the ferocious and unforgiving bunnies. “Help! Help!”

    “Oh, hey, there’s someone else here!” A voice rang from nearby. The bunnies all turned. There was a girl standing there. She had a basket full of...well...carrots. “I hadn’t thought that someone else would be here too! Aren’t the bunnies so cute?”

    Zhang San grimaced. “They’re bloodthirsty, greedy, little pieces of-”

    He suddenly felt a murderous aura coming at him, sending cold sweat down his back. Damn! In his current state, he would surely die if someone tried to kill him!

    “-furry adorableness! Isn’t that right?” He quickly spat out. The cold air disappeared, leaving him trembling in fear.

    “Right? Right?” The other person asked.

    Zhang San could only nod. I felt like I was gonna die T.T.

    Suddenly, she started taking carrots out of the basket and started throwing them at the rabbits. Zhang San’s jaw nearly touched the floor. “Wh-what the hell are you doing??? Wasting precious herbs like the carrot herb on these unintelligent and primitive little f-”

    He felt a little chill.

    “-friends…” It was lifted once more. He thought again. Those little furballs were her pets! No wonder! What kind of family background must she have to be able to toss out carrots left and right? This was unfair! Well, at this point, the best solution is….

    “Cling on to her leg so I can get the herbs to quickly boost my strength! Hahaha! I’m ingenious!” He thought in his head.

    “Wh-what are you doinggggg!” Feeling someone grab onto her leg, the girl suddenly kicked and Zhang San flew a few meters away. “I misjudged you! I thought you also liked bunnies, but it turns out it was just a pervert!!!”

    Zhang San sat up. “What’s a purr-vurt?”

    “....”

    Five minutes later.

    “Let me get this clear. You...clung onto my leg...so you can get carrots?” The girl asked with a perplexed expression.

    Zhang San nodded. “Exactly.”

    “Exactly my carrot! Why the hell are you making it sound like that was the obvious reason?? There’s obviously something wrong with your head!!!” The girl thought in her head, not knowing whether to laugh or to cry.

    “So why exactly are you out here?”

    “I was walking to the Lu family house to get some me-tee-sin and…”

    “Our house is like five kilometers away! How did you end up here?”

    “I kept on walking and went into the forest and….”

    In her mind: “He got lost….” Secondary thought: “Who the hell pronounces medicine like that….”

    She sighed. “Anyway, I’m going back to my house soon. You want to follow me back, or stay here?”

    “Oh my god don’t put me together with these things I’ll be miserable with these stupid little b-”

    *glare*

    “-bunnies.”

    “Anyway, my name is Lu Yuntu, so you need to go to my house.” (Literally means cloud rabbit)

    “What? So it turns out it was the family who made the cold me-tee-sin pill! No wonder you’re so extravagant to throw carrots at these idiotic….ally cute fluff balls.” He changed his words after another glare.

    Lu Yuntu sighed. “You know, the easiest way if you don’t like them is to give them the carrots. Then they’ll stop bothering you.”

    Zhang San gave her an offended look. “Give up? My carrots? To them? NEVER!!!”

    Lu Yuntu stared. “Since when did anyone get so defensive about carrots?” She thought. Then she opened her mouth and said. “Come on, if you’re so possessive of your carrots we might as well leave first. I already fed them anyway.”

    Zhang San let out a sigh of relief, and saw another rabbit glomp onto his hand. “...”

    He tried to shake it off, but it wouldn’t let go. Finally, he just gave up and trudged after Lu Yuntu with a rabbit stuck onto his hand.

    Halfway back to the village, it was still there. Lu Yuntu looked at him curiously. “Looks like that rabbit really likes you huh? Or your carrots.”

    That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. “ENOUGH!” Zhang San cried. He brought his hand up to his face, and cursed at the rabbit. “What. The. Goddarn. Hell. Do. You. WANT??????”

    The rabbit finally detached its mouth from his hand. Zhang San sighed. “Looks like intimidation worked.”

    “Carrots.”

    Huh? Zhang San looked at Lu Yuntu. She was staring at the rabbit. So he gazed at the rabbit again.

    It opened its mouth. “Carrots.”

    “Oh.” Zhang San commented. “A rabbit.”

  • Chapter 5: A Talking Rabbit in the Mortal Realm
    Spoiler:

    “Oh my god!” Lu Yuntu cried. “It’s the legendary vocalizing rabbit sage!”

    Zhang San looked uninterested. “It’s a rabbit.”

    Lu Yuntu glared disapprovingly. “You’re a person who hates rabbits! How come the first time you come here the rabbit sage clings onto you?”

    “He wants my carrots.” Zhang San stated.

    Lu Yuntu gaped. She took carrots out of her bag and handed one to the rabbit sage. “Esteemed Master Rabbit Sage, please accept my humble offerings.”

    It looked at the carrot once, then used its cotton tail to hit it out of her hands. It then gazed back at Zhang San with pitiful eyes. “Carrots.”

    Zhang San restated his words, as if he was trying to convince himself it wasn’t possible. “He wants my carrots.”

    “Of course he wants your carrots, just give it to him!”

    “No!” Zhang San held onto his carrots defensively. “Why does it have to be my carrots? Go find someone else to rob!”

    “Just give it to him! He’s the legendary rabbit sage!”

    “Don’t be stupid! It’s just a rabbit! You’re asking me to give up my carrots to a normal rabbit????! That’s insane!”

    “How dare you blaspheme the name of the legendary Rabbit Sage by calling the Esteemed Master ‘just a normal rabbit’! Some guts you have!”

    While Zhang San was furiously arguing with Lu Yuntu, the rabbit made its way over to Zhang San’s left hand where he held the bag of carrots. Unfortunately for Zhang San, before he even noticed what was going on, all that was left in his bag was a carrot crumb. Oh wait, it was gone now.

    When Zhang San finally wondered why his bag was so heavy and looked down, he cried in despair. “MY CARRRROOOOTTTSSSSSS!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!” He grabbed the rabbit and tore it away from the bag.

    “Yummy.” It said.

    He looked into the bag, but it was completely empty. Furious like a train flying off a cliff, he grabbed the rabbit and turned it upside down. He shook it up and down, like he was shaking milk to make butter. Unfortunately, not even butter came out, much less carrots.

    “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THE RESPECTED RABBIT SAGE!” Lu Yuntu raged.

    Zhang San collapsed to the ground, sobbing and holding up a finger for a moment of silence. “I-I must grieve.” He stated, after which he spent a good two minutes just staring at the ground. During those two minutes he did some good thinking. He started vocalizing his thoughts. “The herbs were just swallowed, so the only way to extract the medicinal power is to refine the person who ate it! Or the rabbit who ate it!” He reached towards the rabbit. “Come here, little rabbit! I shall refine your body with the water element, the Heavenly Rose Blossom of Virgin Mary (rosemary), Viscous Fire Amplification Fluid of the Bottomless Void Jewels (olive oil), Shattered Moon Halitosis Fragments (garlic), the White Bulb of Endless Tears (onions), and the Acid Extract of Golden Spheres (lemon juice) to form my perfect Food Tier Pill! Ahahahaha!”

    He muttered to himself as he continued. “I shall amalgamate all the medicinal herbs into herb essence, then seal everything into a Black Box of Anonymity (a container), then infuse the herb essence into your body. Then I shall toss you to the Forbidden Cube of Neverending Ice (icebox) for two hours, and after contrast the freezing ice with the blistering heat in my alchemical furnace, where I shall refine you for more than five hours, maintaining my flame control to 325 degrees Celsius! Mwahahahaha!”

    Truth to be told, he read all of that on a book on Grandpa Ming’s counter, but never ever made it. But since Grandpa Ming was an alchemy grandmaster, it was definitely something with miraculous effects, possibly enough to make an individual rise over ten times in power!

    Lu Yuntu seethed in rage. “Y-you’re thinking of COOKING the respected sage?”

    Zhang San replied with a straight face. “No, I’m refining it into Food Tier Pill! And it will be my masterpiece!!!”

    “HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT????” Lu Yuntu inwardly facepalmed. Then she said out loud, “This is the first time you’ve met an animal with intelligence! How can you bear to cook him?”

    Zhang San tilted his head. “A talking rabbit? I thought those were normal. Rather, those little devils who couldn’t talk scared the hell out of me. I thought I was going deaf because they weren’t saying anything. So I was kinda relieved this thing showed up, like a ‘finally a rabbit that can actually talk’ feeling! Since I really shouldn’t perform alchemy with unknown ingredients, you know, or else I’ll undergo qi deviation.”

    Lu Yuntu stared vacantly. “This guy has a pit in his brain….” She thought.

    Zhang San meanwhile commented in his head, “This girl’s personality did a complete 180 when a talking rabbit appeared....”

    “Anyway,” she waved it off. “We should get going to my house. It’s already late, and I’ve paid my respects to the esteemed rabbit sage.”

    Zhang San looked at her, then pointed at the rabbit. “Uh, he won’t let go.” By now it was back on his arm, long teeth holding onto Zhang San’s sleeve.

    Lu Yuntu: “...”

    Zhang San: “...”

    The rabbit: “...”

    “Ahhhh!” Lu Yuntu cried in frustration. “Just bring the esteemed rabbit sage. I’m sure my father will be glad to see him.”

    Zhang San gave an ‘abandoned puppy’ look. “But he’s still-”

    “Just bring him!” Lu Yuntu glared.

    “Okay.” Zhang San acknowledged. Under his breath, he continued. “Once we get back, I’m going to refine you into a-”

    Unfortunately, Lu Yuntu had some sharp ears. “Into a what?”

    Zhang San shrank back in surprise. “Nothing at all! We’re all buddy buddy here, nothing to look at! Hahaha….”

    “....Will you just shut up….”

    In the confusion of conversation, the sun had already set. Zhang San followed Lu Yuntu as she made her way forward. They walked for about an hour and a half. Lu Yuntu felt something was strange, but she couldn’t figure out what. “Hey, do you feel anything?” She asked Zhang San.

    Zhang San nodded his head.

    “There’s something strange….”

    Zhang San nodded his head.

    “What do you think?”

    Zhang San nodded his head.”

    “....”

    Zhang San nodded his head.

    “Goddarn it! Stop nodding your head! Say something!!!!”

    “But you told me to shut up….” Zhang San finally spoke up.

    “.....”

    “So what exactly is it?” Lu Yuntu asked. This uncomfortable sensation was annoying the heck out of her.

    Suddenly, Zhang San mentioned something that had been on his mind for about half an hour. “Hey, if it’s five kilometers away, shouldn’t we be at your house by now?”

    Lu Yuntu’s eyes opened wide. “....”

    Zhang San stared back at her. “....”

    They didn’t say anything, but their thoughts were synchronous. “We’re lost….”

    They just stared at each other for fifteen minutes straight. By now, the sky had turned pitch black, and even the moonlight was blocked by the leaves of the trees. Lu Yuntu offered a suggestion. “How about we make a torch….”

    Zhang San quickly agreed. “Okay!” Then he thought for a second. “Hey, what’s a torsche?”

    Lu Yuntu was speechless. “....” This guy seriously had a pit in his brain. She decided to ignore this mentally handicapped person and went off in search of firewood. After finding a perfectly sized stick, she tossed it to Zhang San. “Here, sharpen the tip of this branch.”

    Zhang San nodded. Lu Yuntu searched around for things that would make good kindling. When she turned back to Zhang San, she came across a sight of Zhang San using the teeth of the rabbit to scrape off the pieces of wood. She instantly dropped the wood that was in her arms. “WHAT. THE. HELL. ARE. YOU. DOING????”

    The hair on Zhang San’s back stood up straight. “Uh…you told me to sharpen the material.”

    Lu Yuntu’s mind exploded. She thought, “But that doesn’t mean to use the teeth of the esteemed rabbit sage to do it!”

    The rabbit sage muttered. “Carrots....”

    She sighed. “Here, I’ll let you use my knife.” She tossed him her knife.

    Zhang San quickly replied. “Thanks.”

    She then quickly scrambled to stop him as he proceeded to attempt to slice the neck of the talking rabbit. “I said to use the knife to sharpen the stick, not to sacrilegiously kill the esteemed rabbit sage!”

    Zhang San tilted his head. “But aren’t knives used to kill people? And rabbits?”

    Lu Yuntu raised one eyebrow. “You can also use it to sharpen a stick.”

    Zhang San shrank back in surprise. “WHAT?”

    Lu Yuntu nearly collapsed in anger. “Where have you been living your whole life? Under a rock?”

    Zhang San felt a sense of deja vu at this question. He scratched his chin. “Technically, yeah.”

    This time, Lu Yuntu did collapse out of anger. Well, more like she tripped.

    “Fine!” Lu Yuntu growled. “YOU! SHARPEN! STICK! MAKE! FIRE! OKAY?”

    Zhang San nodded. Then he said. “I thought sticks were wood element, not fire….”

    Lu Yuntu nearly bashed her head against the tree. Th-this guy was too infuriating. “Just sharpen the stick….”

    Zhang San nodded. “Okay….”

    Lu Yuntu waited for another stupid “but”, like “but sticks don’t make good materials” or something.

    Zhang San said nothing. Lu Yuntu sighed in relief.

    “But sticks don’t make good materials….”

    Lu Yuntu grabbed the nearest stick and threw it at Zhang San’s head. “See how good of a material it is yourself!”

    Formerly, he would have avoided it using his Absolute Sense ability which gave him full view of all movements within a 10800 light-year radius of him. However, he didn’t have it anymore. The stick accurately hit the back of Zhang San’s head.

    Lu Yuntu snorted. “That’ll teach you-”

    Then Zhang San collapsed. Yeah, unfortunately he lost his Absolute Protection ability as well.

    Lu Yuntu’s mouth dropped. “Hey, you can’t be serious! You’d have to be as weak as a 3 year old kid to get knocked out by a stick!” Although, in her anger, she had picked up the largest stick near her and threw it at him, so it was actually pretty heavy. It’d probably knock out a seven year old. She ran to Zhang San’s unconscious body and pinched him hard. No response. She contemplated for a while.

    Then she started to beat him up for all the grievances she suffered for the past few hours.

    By the time Zhang San woke up, Lu Yuntu had already made the fire. “Huh, I suddenly fell asleep.”

    Lu Yuntu said nothing. “....”

    Zhang San groaned. His body felt sore all over. “Seriously, sleeping on the ground outdoors is such a terrifying thing!”

    Lu Yuntu looked away, feeling a huge pang of guilt. Tricking such a gullible person felt more like she was taking advantage of him than getting revenge…

    She sighed and handed a carrot over to the esteemed rabbit sage. It whacked it away with its cottontail, then climbed over to Zhang San. “Carrots.” It said.


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