Game : Cooperative Story Telling (original story) (second story)

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  • edited May 2016
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  • edited May 2016
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  • edited May 2016
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  • edited November 2015
    Kotowaru said:

    Check above text

    Tasear said:


    I agree that I do need be more concise with my text, but not at point of being boring or compromising my style. In this regard, I will change the formula ( It really is equation) that I write. I do disagree that everything should be easy to digest or easy understand for the reader. I believe the reader should have to think a bit when reading text, but this my personal taste.

    Recall that this what each of did at birth, before we had a strong vocabulary, we read in between the lines to understand portions of the text. Of course, this is not excuse for my flawed writing, but declaration of fact.
     .
    ~ Moving onward...

     I agree that first example was poorly written, but we will have to disagree on the second. It's not purple pose in the slightest.

    ...was
    not like any other maiden. This difference was made clear when the bird
    noticed her frosty white eyes, and evening snow hair layered upon her
    lilly white coat. The moment she spoke, the bird wished be a dove to come
    together with her artistic purity. Ensnared in her ephemeral voice, it
    soared towards ...


    1. Who is that 'it'? if you meant it's her then use 'she'
    "..." is missing from this paragraph. Which  explains that it's continuation from the previous line.
    "it" is the bird. Which is proper term since it's an animal.

    2. It is definitely a purple prose.
    Why do think so? I think that you have been improperly using the term. Purple prose is text without purpose not simply another way to describe flowery text or over the top text. The mentioned paragraph fits well with the text that is above and below it in the thread.

    The sentence certainly doesn't use concrete description, but instead sensory description, and non cliche wording. Also in this case, it is concise.

    The difference was made clear -  The difference is obvious (Has original syntax but proper grammar)
    Frosty white eyes - white eyes that were like frosting ( appeals to the sense of taste)
    evening snow hair - white hair that looked like snow ( appeals to sense of sight)
    layered upon her lilly white coat - she has white skin ( appeals to sense of touch)
    The moment she spoke - At the time that she spoke ( Has original syntax but proper grammar)

    The bird wished to be a dove to come together with her artistic purity- The bird wished that it was a white dove instead a colored bird, so that it could be a part of her beauty which was like panting of purity and innocence.  (appeals to sense of feeling)  (Note: dove is a common symbolism for purity and innocence)

    Ensnared in her ephemeral voice -  captured in her short lasting voice but beautiful voice. ( appeals to hearing)

    it soared towards - it flew towards ( appeals to sight)

    Purple prose like flowery text is text abusing words without purpose or meaning. The words do nothing but sound boring or make the author seem snobbish. I yet to hear my text is boring.

    3. Dunno it explained that she might not be a normal human. Her beauty is not explained properly.
    No, I disagree. I don't think you were properly looking at this paragraph

    4. How did it go to it's doom?

    This is were I agree that I should be more concise with intentions. There was a reason that I added phrase, but even I forgot. So sorry for my blunder.

    TL:DR

    It is my personal belief that words should be seen not spoken.Literature
    should not be bland or without emotion Though sometimes I do go over
    the line, which I working to fix, I have recently been on point with
    my writing being prose and not poetry.
    P.S Sensory description is not poetry nor purple pose, or flowery text.
  • edited November 2015
    The dusk arrived.
    Mr. Bear built a small fire for warmth in a nearby forest. The girl who
    kept on playing and playing earlier was now resting on the Bear's lap. 

    "Mr. Bear, where are we going?" she said, yawning.

    "To a safe place," Mr. Bear said, "A place where you're free and harm will not be waiting."

    "I don't know how to thank you for every..." Tears rolled to the girl's
    face as she fell to slumber. A smile then formed on her face since she
    felt the Bear's hand comb through her hair.

    The bear kept his gaze focused on the girl. He hoped that when he
    successfully protect her to safe place. Maybe this child will at least
    cure the wounds his guilt, born from his past crime, created.

    ..............................................................

    The morning sun arose. It was in early morning sky, the bear woke up first. He checked the surroundings. He saw the girl was still sleeping. He didn't see anything wrong, so he went to get some more firewood.

     
    P.S I like the way that you wrote this ending. It was a great cliffhanger that I wish you would continue. :)

    Note my text in below the horzontal rule.
  • edited May 2016
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  • edited November 2015
     Frosty is a cold covering so my usage wasn't the best. Since, It's not obvious that appeals to sense of taste.

    Image result for frosty eyes


  • edited November 2015
    "Mr. Bear, where are we going?" she said, yawning.

    "To a safe place," Mr. Bear said, "A place where you're free and harm will not be waiting."

    "I don't know how to thank you for every..." Tears rolled to the girl's
    face as she fell to slumber. A smile then formed on her face since she
    felt the Bear's hand comb through her hair.

    The bear kept his gaze focused on the girl. He hoped that when he
    successfully protect her to safe place. Maybe this child will at least
    cure the wounds his guilt, born from his past crime, created.

    ..............................................................

    The morning sun arose, the sky since had morning a rays when, the bear woke up first.
    He checked the surroundings. He saw the girl was still sleeping. He didn't see anything admist in the surroundings, so he went to get some more firewood.

    While he was getting more firewood, something unexpected happened. He meet a ....

  • While he was getting more firewood, something unexpected happened. He meet a .... 

    shockingly beautiful female bear. He try to pick on the female bear when suddenly a loud roar sounded from the distance accompanied by the rumbling of the earth.

    *Roaaaar!!*

    It was an alpha bear.

    seeing this, Mr. Bear feel his leg become soft, and unknown to him, his soul already left his soft and fluffy body, making it a soulless doll.

    P.S
    its a joke...
    P.P.S
    I will ignore this one, because it considered to response your own post. sorry... XD
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    The morning sun arose. It was in early morning sky, the bear woke up first. He checked the surroundings. He saw the girl was still sleeping. He didn't see anything wrong, so he went to get some more firewood.

    While it was getting more firewood, it heard a sound coming from not far from it. Mr. Bear approached the sound, thinking that it was a rabbit that it can catch to make breakfast for the girl. Once it saw what was making the sound, suddenly Mr. Bears expression changed from those of anticipation into those of wary and bloodlust.

    'it was a human kid' it thought. 'I have to protect...'

    "who's there?!" said the kid while leaping to the bush where Mr. Bear was.

    Suddenly...


    P.S
    I changed 'he' to 'it' since Mr. Bear is a doll. so yeah... XD 
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    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
  • I noticed that you guys have a heated conversation while I was asleep... XD



    anyway, I was wondering if I should/could change the place of this thread to original story section, so that we have more participant? your opinion?
    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
  • Branzel said:

    I noticed that you guys have a heated conversation while I was asleep... XD




    anyway, I was wondering if I should/could change the place of this thread to original story section, so that we have more participant? your opinion?
    Go for it. If it doesn't work out they will move us back.

    P.S I took a portions of the first story and put it into a coherent story. Most of it is my work, but some of it is your guys lines. So tell me if you would like it removed. Either way, please check out the story.
  • First Story (Finished)

    Illusion

    In a beautiful small island...

    in a not far world, slept a beautiful yet fair maiden. Locked away in her dreams, she suddenly woke up to find a beautiful little bird with snow white feathers and red-bluish crown-looking feathers on top of its head pecking on her head. The bird suddenly fly around the room when it noticed the maiden was not like any other maiden. This difference was made clear when it noticed her frosty white eyes, and evening snow hair layered upon her lilly white coat. The moment she spoke, it wished be a dove to come together with her artistic purity. Ensnared in her ephemeral voice, it soared towards the beautiful maiden and circling around her before the little bird goes out of the window then landing on a tree branch.

    With an excited posture it start to chirp happily while spreading its wings so wide as if to show it off to the maiden. the maiden seeing this laughed a bit with a heavenly chuckle, before easing herself out her bed. Like wisps of wind, she slid her feet towards the mirror. Unexpectedly she let out a soft sigh after looking into the mirror. 

    Every day, she wished at the prevailing stars that she was something or someone who was not herself. She hadn't thought much of it at the time, but now she only thought of those moments that brought the curse upon her.

    Not lingering long in her constant sorrows, she mellowed her stride as she then did her braid. With ease and elegance unfitting her former self, she enlightened her already fairy like appearance to begun, yet another day in the materialization of her illusions. She was stuck in the island for a very long time.

    She only wanted to venture the vast sea. After constant humiliation from her unforgiving company, she decided to let go and have happiness for herself. And yet, what awaited her was just another suffering. Her small boat was washed away when a storm raged.

    Storms of turmoil arisen not far from her heart, she wanted to cry, but she would not give them the laugh .Things were different now, she embraced what she was on this island.

    Cloud not by the perceptions of others, she now lived a life like any other wicked women, a life where heroes feared to thread.

    Taking not one step to many, she walked bit down until reached bottom of tower stairs. With a flick of her hand, a twirl of finger, she casted yet another illusion.

    But the illusion was actually a volleyball that had been painted upon with smears of blood. "Wilson..."

    "... Okay. Here we go, Wilson. You don't have to worry about anything. You just hang on." She kissed Wilson's cheeks as she walked to the shore. Her wooden raft will surely... Will definitely pave a path to the civilization where she once belong.

    After conquering all those storm, all those unpleasantness in the vast sea for a week, she finally arrived at the island she once lived. but what await her was like a dejavu... 'its those eyes again, its those looks again' she thought. all of those unpleasant memory, all those humiliation, all those cursed words aimed at her flashed in her eyes as if it all happened yesterday.

    She started to tremble and unknown to her, she started to hug william in her chest tighter, tighter and tighter until the blood mark on it started to become bigger, bigger, and bigger to the point of being not what it once was. 

    Removing its self from the cuddle of her arms, it hover in mid air, Whirling and twirling the air, it's form was changing. Like oozing blood of a festering wound, it started to bubble out into it's new form which was a ...

    Suddenly, she felt like her body was being shaken. A voice, little by little, was echoing louder in her ears. She tried to move her limbs but she cannot. A single movement was too hard for her feeble body. Instead of struggling to move, she opened her eyes. A man was princess carrying her.

    "Are you okay?"

    "Y-y-you... Tha-thank y-you."

    "You're saved now." The man said. After a short time, her vision and mind grew clearer. She felt some of her strength return to her as the man pour water to her mouth. She smiled. A genuine smile appeared on her face. For a long time, she was stuck in the island. She thought she would die there, alone. Who knew that her rescue would come. Her miserable experiences was overriden by her joy.

    As she looked at the man, she remembered something. The man had a very short black hair and a wide forehead. In the depth of her memories, she knew that this man was someone she met or saw before.

    "Wait, y-y-you," Her eyes widened, "How did you find me? How did you know that I'm in this island? Why did you personally come here to save me?"

    She had many questions to the man in front of her. Instead of doing those, she wanted to ask a very important single question. Something on the face of the man bothered her.

    "P-please tell me. Why do you have a black censorship bar covering your eyes, Mr. T*m Hanks?"

    "Copyrights." He said, smiling. "Anyway, you should rest first. I will answer all of your questions once we're back in the city."

    She let herself relaxed and leaned on T*m Hanks chest. A warm, fuzzy feeling filled her body as she slowly close her eyes.

    "A woman like me can at least dream of happiness before I..." Her voice faded into the waves. Little by little, the sea water massaged her feeble body as her tears, filled with the last of her longing, blended and flowed with the current.

    End.





    Contributor
    Branzel
    Tasear
    Kotowaru
    Pandabee
    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
  • Second Story (open for continuation)

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    In a not too far away land...

    Live a princess in a big castle. She was around 10-12 years old, but in such a big castle, unfortunately she live alone, not even a single guard, a single maid, not even a mouse could be seen inside the castle, and the only thing that accompany her was a bear doll that she always kept by her side.

    One morning, as soon as she woke up from her slumber she told to the bear beside her "Mr. Bear, I want to go outside. I want to see the outside world. I heard of the vibrant world that looms just outside this dull castle, but only in books. Sometimes, the words aren't just enough to describe, I want to explore and experience new senses. 

    Is that so wrong Mr bear?! I don't want people to tell me, when the world just outside the gates can show me. So today Mr. Bear, shall we walk outside the iron cast gates?! but first I need to find you some clothes, you don't want to be seen naked do you?! and also other things that we need for the journey, its gonna be a long journey." while still speaking to Mr. Bear, the princess start to prepare everything that she need.

    Unknown to her, with her smile still hanging on her face, her beautiful eyes that should be full of anticipation, full of excitement and hope for the new live and adventure like she had read in the book, showed an expression of sadness and unwillingness, and Mr. Bear that sat still in the corner of her bed with its head a little tilted to the side as if showing the same expression as her.

    After finished with everything, she finally arrived at the front gate of the castle with her big bag on her back. Hugging Mr. Bear close to her chest, she looked at the big and beautiful castle in front of her with those big and round beautiful eyes that somehow getting a little red from her trying hard to keep the tears from falling while all those memories  of her 12 years living in the castle started to surface in her mind. A little mumbling and stuttering she said in a low voice 

    "Mr. Bear, are you sure you're not that dangerous bear from chronicles of 4chan story I once read."

    "It does not matter who I am or what I was," the Bear patted the girl's head, "the important thing is that you're free now. Go now and discover this world you've only seen in books."

    The girl ran to the open fields and to a small hill where brilliant flowers danced as the wind blow. The girl innocent laugh made the Bear happy as well.

    "Ho ho ho. You deserve this. As tomorrow it won't be as such, people are finally coming for you. Haha, you didn't think it was strange that you were all alone? Tomorrow you will learn why."

    The dusk arrived. Mr. Bear built a small fire for warmth in a nearby forest. The girl who kept on playing and playing earlier was now resting on the Bear's lap. 

    "Mr. Bear, where are we going?" she said, yawning.

    "To a safe place," Mr. Bear said, "A place where you're free and harm will not be waiting."

    "I don't know how to thank you for every..." Tears rolled to the girl's face as she fell to slumber. A smile then formed on her face since she felt the Bear's hand comb through her hair.

    The bear kept his gaze focused on the girl. He hoped that when he successfully protect her to safe place. Maybe this child will at least cure the wounds and his guilt, born from his past crime, created.

    The morning sun arose. It was in early morning sky, the bear woke up first. He checked the surroundings. He saw the girl was still sleeping. He didn't see anything wrong, so he went to get some more firewood.

    While he was getting more firewood, he heard a sound coming from not far from him. Mr. Bear approached the sound, thinking that it was a rabbit that he can catch to make breakfasts for the girl. Once he saw what was making the sound, suddenly Mr. Bears expression changed from those of anticipation into those of wary and bloodlust.

    'it was a human kid' he thought. 'I have to protect...'

    "who's there?!" said the kid while leaping to the bush where Mr. Bear was.

    Suddenly...

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    If you like to participate, please do so... :)

    Current Contributor
    Branzel
    Tasear
    Kotowaru
    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
  • edited November 2015
    ... the wind went on a rampage as if it was controlled. The large figure of Mr. Bear was quickly revealed as the wind went through the bush. Mr.Bear's expression suddenly changed and his eyes revealed shock mixed with a hint of worry. A thought emerged in his mind and he couldn't help but ask himself a question 'could it be him?'

    "Kid, are you...
  • edited May 2016

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  • It was the meeting that he hoped and waited for a long time, but the unfortunately the child that he needed to help the princess was one of the soldiers who had come for her. He eyed the boy one last time before he ran back in the woods.

    Eventually, he found the perfect stop to hide it was ...
  • ... a hard to notice small cave that being covered with a dense bushes, with a width just enough for one person to go trhough. While carrying the unconscious princess in his arm, Mr. Bear continued to walk further into the cave only to find a dead end. Whithout much of a choice, he put down the princess on the ground then took a defensive stance in front of the princess, like a mother of a beast ready to pounch at any danger that would come for her youngling.

    *step, step, step* *ding, ding, ding*

    A sound of steps and metal meeting metal echoed inside the cave as every second that passed the sound become increasingly louder.

    "ah, I finally found you, Mr. talking bear. Why did you run so suddenly? I'm not going to hurt you, or the girl behind you" said the kid while he raised both his hands in the air and smiled toward Mr.Bear.

    "why are you following us?!"
    "I'm just interested in you, and I'm also feel so bored journeying alone all this time, I could use some company you know..."
    "Alone? you're not here to kill us?"
    "Why would I kill you, I dont even know you."
    "Then what are you doing in the bushes?"
    "I was puting on this newly found armor, isn't it cool?! hehehe... and no I didnt steal it, well... I took it from a corpse, so that is not considered stealing right?! anyway, like I said, I was puting on my newly found armor when I heard you in the bushes and here we are. hehehe...
    aaah, I feel so lucky today, first I found a lot of corpses full of equipment, and now I found a company." explained the kid with a face full of indifferent smile when suddenly his face changed to confusion.

    "wait, I feel something is wrong... mmm... you look like a panda, but instead of black and white, it's brown and white, well that's okay I guess, or is it the fact that you are somewhat smaller? no,no,no I guess that is okay to. uggh... ah I know, you sound like a male but... you are a male bear right?"
    "Of course I'm a male!! and I'm not a panda, I'm not made in ch***!!!" said Mr.Bear with a frustating look.
    "puft.. then, why are wearing a skirt, is it a trend now, for a male bear wearing a skirt? pufft... hahahaha"



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    P.S
    sorry if its a bit long, well, okay a lot longer, but I cant help it when I suddenly have an insight about Mr. Bear being a panda and wearing a skirt...

    anyway, I was busy last couple of days, so didnt have the time to check on the site...

    for those who want to continue the story, please dont be shy... heheheh....
    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
  • The kid just ignored the panicked Mr.Bear when he suddenly leaped in front of the princess. Seeing this, Mr.Bear grew more panicked as he tried to stop the kid but alas, he was too late because of his indecisiveness. The kid reached out his hand towards the princess as he exclaimed loudly

    "This... Isn't this the legendary strory about Chun Yue 'Playing with the Gods'? and this, its the legendary pirate king 'Two pieces', and with pictures edition at that, and this, it's the legendary story of Chen Feng 'Harem God Asura', also 'Coiling Snake' Limley. This rare book, where only nobility can read..."

    Mr.Bear just stood there doumfounded while thingking in his heart

    'what is wrong with this kid's head? first, he doesn't even realise I'm a doll, and now he doesn't even care about the princess and just looking at books?... wait, could it be a trick? It must be a trick, he must have tried to to trick me... I must protect the princess'

    "mmm... what are you doing with my books?" a lazy and melodious voice suddenly rang inside the cave when Mr.Bear still buzy with his thought.

    "This is your books?! may I borrow it please... prety please..." said the kid to the princess while begging.

    "uhh... you need to ask Mr.Bear about that, I only brought it because I often saw Mr.Bear read those books in a corner in a midle of the night, so I thought he might not be able to sleep if he doesnt read them, although he never allowed me to read it" said the girl while pouting.

    Mr.Bear jolted awake from his pondering after hearing what the princess said, and his furry and atificial face suddenly turned red like a ripe apple.

    "this...


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    P.S
    there is two kind of joke about the books, I dont know if you get it though. hehehehehehe

    P.S.S
    Thank you all for participating with the game. :)
    anyway, if you want to participate, please dont be shy, you can write anything you want, although still in the scope for pg.14, I dont want to received any complain because of it. XD
    Life is a series of choices that makes who you are today and thread your path ahead.

    ~~Branzel~~
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