Which paragraph is better?

More so than the beginning of the year, writing has become fun. Having well thought out characters, plot, theme, borrowed setting from v1 & v2 of the original story or parent story, I feel ready to do decent job this time. I wish for to be meaningful story to share with at least one other, so I would like your opinion on the three different styled paragraphs that I've  written below.



Version 1

Opening his door, the creaking floor echoes his steps, but need not run,
but simply move. Crossing by the shadows, a stir in the wind has him
wondering if a mouse has gone by, but he sees the nothing among the
darkness. Stumbling in his breath, a flare in his nose traps him
forward. Shuttering no more, beside the doorway, the ease of his breath
brought by the affair, the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt.



Version 2

Opening the door, the creaking floor has him wondering if a mouse has
gone by, but he sees nothing among the shadows. The creaking floor
unlevels his steps, but he need not run, but simply move. The flare in
his nose causes him stutter in his breath. Easing his cold, the warmth
of kitchen’s smells can be felt just outside the doorway.



Version 3

Orson opens the door to hallway. The floor creaks as orson walks at
constant paste in the hallway. A eerie wind causes him stutter in
breath. Rubbing his arms, worried he looks around but he can find
nothing among the shadows. Nothing out of order, he proceeds forward
into the darkness arriving just outside the door way where the warm
smells of kitchen coming from the kitchen flare up his nose. and ease his breath.
Tagged:

Comments

  • either 2 or 3, 1 is fine just really straining to read compared to the others
  • edited November 2015
    Best of the bad, would be the third one. Why do you insist on writing those paragraphs (or the whole story? Please no!) in present simple? It makes constructing phrases sketchy and usually lowers the quality perceived by readers...
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • edited November 2015
    Thanks, I appreciate the help. I didn't know that I was going in the wrong direction.
  • edited November 2015
    Mm. :) The other advice from me would be more or less that:

    I know you are capable of using rich and flowery language, but as I mentioned once on those forums - It's important to keep the language 'level' not too low and not too high in regards with what you are trying to write. In your case, you have a tendency to overdo it to the 'too good, too poetic, too qualitative' side. At least that's how i feel subjectively.

    You might want to read posts in this thread, some might prove to be helpful:

    http://forum.wuxiaworld.com/discussion/87/writing-tips-for-authors-appreciated#latest
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • edited November 2015
    Caladbolg said:

    Mm. :) The other advice from me would be more or less that:

    I know you are capable of using rich and flowery language, but as I mentioned once on those forums - It's important to keep the language 'level' not too low and not too high in regards with what you are trying to write. In your case, you have tendency to overdo it to the 'too good, too poetic, too qualititive' side. At least that's how i feel subjectively.

    You might want to read posts in this thread, some might prove to be helpful:

    http://forum.wuxiaworld.com/discussion/87/writing-tips-for-authors-appreciated#latest


    Wow! That's really is underlining question here.Sighs, It's something I kinda felt like I was overdoing it too. I tend to get caught up in the feeling of the scene instead of the scene itself. While I don't think ... well at least right that I can act could happy write as I done in three version. I do realize that I need refine my style so I can convey my message better.

    It's a very confusing matter as I still want emotional intense lines that interweave another story. Using symbolism, word choice, and foreshadowing while provide a new impact the after reading completed novel a second time.  Unfortunately, I do this naturally especially the more I revise.

    So, I have this painful feeling that I am thinking more like a poet than a novelist. This was original version of first paragraph on my chapter.


    Most nights, it was hard to keep warm especially during the winter months which armed its self with cold winter nights. While his family was better off than most, having a third rank cook and fifth rank mercenary, it wasn’t possible that they could afford a blanket that could keep him warm enough to sweat.

    ‘Did I have a nightmare? Nah, that aint possible for someone like me! I’m just burning up with excitement as today is finally the day.”

    Orson was not boy who let the simple things bother his life. Tossing away any unnecessary thoughts, Orson moved on with his day.



    Revised Version

    The darkness recedes into the shadows allowing the moonlight to brighten his surroundings. Giving him the strength to rise from his shivers, and confront the days ahead.

    Taking not notice of whispers that plagued his night. A passing wind takes the sweat from his eyes. Releasing his breath, the pressing cold calls for him to return to the blanket once more. He is due elsewhere.

    Swift sensations dwelling amidst the air, he bare not care for other affairs once his he heard his belly rumbling. Sanding his hands, it takes not even moment to stand. Without looking aback he brings himself closer.


    Opening his door, the creaking floor echoes his steps, but need not run, but simply move. Crossing by the shadows, a stir in the wind has him wondering if a mouse has gone by, but he sees the nothing among the darkness. Stumbling in his breath, a flare in his nose traps him forward. Shuttering no more, beside the doorway, the ease of his breath brought by the affair, the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt.





  • edited November 2015
    Hmm... maybe it's fine for setting a scene?

    The writing looks something like this later

    Dialogue taken from chapter 1


    Turning his stare, he noticed the chipped wooden bowl already laying table next to his
    mother and her sword. Grinning a bit, he flicked his nose just, before had sat
    down at obvious worn and slightly off set table.

    “Today’s the day, I make you proud” puffing out his chest, looking her straight in the eyes.
    His mother shifting her shoulders aback giving a bit of grin before his father sliced
    the pie.

    “Orson, we
    have always been grateful to have such a son as you. There is no one who stands
    above you in hearts.”Shuffling his feet, Orson meet his father’s eyes. While
    his father had never held sword, he shared no doubt that he was strong. Unable
    to take the stare, Orson avoided his eyes and took notice of the pie.



  • Man I'm sorry put I keep reading all your texts as poems cause you use tempo too much and forget to write so it sounds good to read it continuously. Also especially in this last paragraph of chapter 1 almost all sentences are the same length making it feel more poetic than a story(also you used some styles which are usually not used in writing like ending sentences on same sound).
    While his father had never held sword, he shared no doubt that he was strong. 
    This is impossible to almost not read as part of a poem.
  • Uuum, i started writing in the comment box, but i don't think it's a discussion to be held in a thread. I myself don't like to hold such in the open, especially as I am about to give a lot of totally subjective advices and opinions. I will write you a long PW later, after i finish the chapter for my novel ~~
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • (Mr Computer hates me as I thought I submitted this before it farted on me )

    So after coming leaving my computer unplugged, and reading several articles on my dilemma , I realized that I hadn't submitted the post. That why this posts are suspicious close to each other.

    So apparently, I got this all wrong. I think by very definition as a very exceptional poet (it's not all flowery language) yet I feel as an average writer (check the top review). Oh ironic they should be the reverse of each other. So, I realize I have undiagnosed discovered split-writing-personality-disorder.   Really there is no thing such thing, but my point is it's like that time I got a equal score on idealist and realist, people looked at me crazy.

    Now this leaves me with a few options, I could just kill poetic side, thus don't think just right. Not a very good idea as it will make writing and myself more mentally unstable, so maybe I can find a happy median between the two. There's always option of being experimental mad scientist with my writing. Not there's always yet another drastic option I could take, I could just embrace my poetic side and take over the nearly desolate art section on wuxiaworld - fulfilling my conquering the world dream.

    So what am I going do? I am not so sure yet, but I realized the problem. I write poetry when I am trying write prose while I write prose when I try to write poetry. So while I believe I am gifted at both as I easily make top weekly royalroadl reviews, and once upon a time my poetry won award, but I did the same for art so who knows where the world take me. Nevertheless, I failed this time, but I going to try again. :)

    ~ Thanks for all the help everyone. I have hyperlink, so interesting articles to along this enlightenment. I hope this helps, any others who encounter such issues.
  • ... Honestly, the poetic writing is not the problem. As i said, it depends on what audience you are targetting.... The problem is, as Nordic touched upon, your inability to create sentences with a proper 'flow'... ;)
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • edited November 2015
    Nordic said:

    Man I'm sorry put I keep reading all your texts as poems cause you use tempo too much and forget to write so it sounds good to read it continuously. Also especially in this last paragraph of chapter 1 almost all sentences are the same length making it feel more poetic than a story(also you used some styles which are usually not used in writing like ending sentences on same sound).

    While his father had never held sword, he shared no doubt that he was strong. 
    This is impossible to almost not read as part of a poem.
    Nevermind, I am doing it unconsciously.  I can't defend myself there. I am thankful for your words. :)
    Caladbolg said:

    ... Honestly, the poetic writing is not the problem. As i said, it depends on what audience you are targetting.... The problem is, as Nordic touched upon, your inability to create sentences with a proper 'flow'... ;)

    This actually probably what I subconsciously felt before I started this thread and stopped writing the chapter. Well, I do wonder if the result of changing styles several times while writing less than 2000 words. I am thinking that I am trying to find my voice. Though, I admit, I might be lacking a fundamental skill. What ever it is. I am willing to work on it. I look forward to your advice later. :)
  • I would try to have one story you try and fit a long term style but before you find it maybe write a lot of random stories mixing and trying to find a good balance before continuing as it seems you have the planning for the story down its the style that messes with you.
  • edited November 2015
    ???

    How odd I could swore that I shared this earlier. This what I originally had before I did any revisions or editing.




    Most
    nights, it was hard to keep warm especially during the winter months which
    armed its self with cold winter nights. While his family was better off than
    most, having a third rank cook and fifth rank mercenary, it wasn’t possible
    that they could afford a blanket that could keep him warm enough to sweat.

     ‘Did I have a nightmare? Nah, that aint
    possible for someone like me! I’m just burning up with excitement as today is
    finally the day.”

    Orson was
    not boy who let the simple things bother his life. Tossing away any unnecessary
    thoughts, Orson moved on with his day.

    Before
    heading towards the door, he grabbed the wooden bucket that was near the
    slightly worn broom. He needed this bucket to do his morning business.  It was something necessary especially before
    he headed off to his first day of training. Some would wait till afterwards but
    Orson felt the need right now.

    Arriving
    at the spot, there were a few people moving around at this hour, but he didn’t
    pay them any mind as he began the process. It wasn’t an easy task, but it was
    well worth the fresh feeling he felt afterwards. After long everything was done
    he had full bucket of water for his sponge bath.

    Leaving
    the well, he took the bucket of water to the back of house. There weren’t many
    tall bushes behind him, so quickly dosed himself in cold water, hoping there
    wasn’t an unexpected passerby. Today was the first day of military training, so
    he wasn’t ready to show his lure.

    Already
    four years pasted his prime, Orson had some slight anxieties about his fate at
    eighteen years old.  He didn’t want a
    muscle head woman like his mother. He wanted what every man wanted a fair
    elegant young lady whose smooth voice was as succulent as her cooking. He had
    reasonable ambitions. Unlike his father he would be the one to protect his
    wife.  

    Going
    inside his home, he took a whiff of the air. He couldn’t help, but smile as his
    sour mood dissipated into the winds. He didn’t smell the usual barley in the
    oven. Today was a day that he had waited for years, so they took on extra
    expense to have wheat bread.

    Surely,
    his mother had risked many dangers in magical beasts range while his father
    took on enough orders to leave bags under his eyes. Biting into the bread, he
    felt like he like a commander of a powerful mercenary group.  One which lavished in luxuries every night
    with gold cups that gave him his full of the finest wines brought nearby areas.

    Waving
    goodbye to his parents, he left home to approach Nixon his future.  He walked along with other young men along
    dirt path to the eastern region of. The rising sun provided some level of
    warmth, but his hardly enough to make him sweat while at not yet.

    The trees
    swayed as Orson arrived on the field. This would be his first day of Military training.
    Twitching his mouth ever so often, Orson tried to hide his glee. He wanted to
    remain calm but this is the field where he would leave his legacy.

    Looking
    back and forth on the field he sized up his completion. There was something
    between 600 and 700 hundred males standing on grassy field that lay next to the
    temperament river. (Describe the area for the final scène)

    Most of
    town’s young males could be seen doing the same as Orson. The experienced ones
    looked for potential rivals while the young ones looked up to their elders. The
    youngest and the newest group of children were, but only fourteen years old,
    they stood proudly ready to face the days ahead.

    As the sun
    finally went overhead, they started into divided into groups. Orson wasn’t
    confused as what do, so he walked over to group on the farther left side of
    field made of youngest and shortest on the field.  

    Standing
    almost head over the rest. The eldest kids easily noticed he’s prencese.

    “Eh wat ya
    doing over three” a blond yelled lound enough for the rest to hear

    “Oh maybe
    he’s talk for his age” snickered a skinny slender black her boy

    “Nah, I
    think just a simpleton”

    “Oh my
    mommy told me about them. They be dumb and deaf”

    “Speaking
    of which, I heard the village idiot went missing not too long ago. You think
    he’s their kid”

    Orson was tightly his fist as her heard the boy talk. It would take much more before his
    anger would take over.

    “ Ooh, I
    know who he is. He’s not the village idiot’s son he’s the cook’s son,” said a
    hyper voiced boy who brought the attention of farther group away from them.

    “Ah you
    mean mother right? There’s no man who makes his living in the kitchen.”

    “Haha, right
    I wonder what girly is doing on the field. A woman’s place is, but of course
    the kitchen.

    Orson at
    lifted his aheaded his fist in the air just varon appoarch

    “Attention!!!”  caught in movement orson got into his stance.

     ( Orson is older than the rest of the
    children)


  • edited November 2015
    Nordic said:

    I would try to have one story you try and fit a long term style but before you find it maybe write a lot of random stories mixing and trying to find a good balance before continuing as it seems you have the planning for the story down its the style that messes with you.

    This really does seem like a good idea. I really do need more experience. Thank you, your comment made me realize I that I am  overextending myself here.  I  am going to try to write some short one-shots and maybe some poetry for the art section.

    P.S Still looking forward to any advice given.
  • The thing is, you don't fix your writing style by writing alone. In this way, you can improve your understanding of the sentences if that's what you are lacking, like it was with me - I improved my language quite a bit as i was writing my story, mainly thanks to my effort and as far as grammar goes => thanks to my dear proofreaders who are taking their time to point out the mistakes for me, instead of just sending a 'corrected post to paste in the thread', ^.^ Big thanks to them! :P

    You should try reading some reliably good texts in english and pay attention to the construction of sentences, how they are created, how they connect. Things like that.
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • edited November 2015
    Generally when poetry is used in text you either want it at the end or start of w/e (paragraphs/chapters etc.) as putting them in the middle is quite challenging as poems and flow usually don't mix well. Some xianxia novels have had an MC reciting poems like LLS which is one way to do it. Then there is malazan empire of the fallen by Steve Erikson which often has a poem at the start of each chapter. In general be careful of where you place poems as they easily break down the beauty of the rest of your writing.

    Btw what seems weakest in your writing is for paragraphs to flow well as your writing goes from well flowing to really choppy quite frequently.

    As I don't write myself I have hard time giving too general advice but I'm fluently tri-lingual and read a lot so when it comes to finding bad grammar and descriptions I might be of more help(as long as I don't need to reconstruct long sentences cause I really suck at writing). But as Caladbolg said its just reading maybe read classic English literature like Great Gatsby or Pride and prejudice and analyse how they make their style work. Pretty sure rwx for example studied literature in some shape or form as his writing reflects that. 
  • The things is, she doesn't 'want' to add a poem to her story, she has troubles to not write text as a poem per se. ~~
    If you'd like more chapters of ISSI or Tales send me a note on patreon!
  • edited November 2015
    Tasear said:

    Revised Version


    The darkness recedes into the shadows allowing the moonlight to brighten his surroundings. Giving him the strength to rise from his shivers, and confront the days ahead.

    Taking not notice of whispers that plagued his night. A passing wind takes the sweat from his eyes. Releasing his breath, the pressing cold calls for him to return to the blanket once more. He is due elsewhere.

    Swift sensations dwelling amidst the air, he bare not care for other affairs once his he heard his belly rumbling. Sanding his hands, it takes not even moment to stand. Without looking aback he brings himself closer.


    Opening his door, the creaking floor echoes his steps, but need not run, but simply move. Crossing by the shadows, a stir in the wind has him wondering if a mouse has gone by, but he sees the nothing among the darkness. Stumbling in his breath, a flare in his nose traps him forward. Shuttering no more, beside the doorway, the ease of his breath brought by the affair, the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt.

    Giving him strength to overcome/dominate his shivers/fear and face the forthcoming day.
    Not taking notice of the whispers that fill/consume the night.

    A cold gentle wind brush the sweat off his eyes.
    Letting out a sigh, the bitter cold drive/exert him to return under the warmth of his blanket (eliminate "once more" since we already use "return" here, it makes it redundant).
    He is expected elsewhere.

    "Swift sensations" -> need to stipulate what kind of sensations so as to select a better word than swift.

    "dwelling amidst the air" -> linger in the air

    "he bare not care for other affairs" -­­> He did not care for other affairs 

    "Sanding his hands" -> I don't understand the use of "sanding" here. Did you mean "sending" instead, or something akin to rubbing his hand together perhaps? If it's sending as in using his hands to support him up, I'd use the words "leaning on his hands".

    "Without looking aback he brings himself closer" -> Need to replace "aback" here for something clearer of the intention. 

    "Opening his door" -> Opening the door
    "but need not run" -> without haste
    "but simply move" -> calmly advance

    "Crossing by the shadows" -> Walking by the shadows
    "a stir in the wind" -> a whirl/shuffle in the wind
    "has him wondering if a mouse has gone by" -> had him wondering if a mouse had pass by
    "but he sees the nothing among the darkness" -> but he couldn't see anything under the cover of the darkness
    "Stumbling in his breath" -> With a faltering breath
    "a flare in his nose traps him forward" -> he flare up his nose and walk forward
    "Shuttering no more" -> Not hesitating anymore
    "the ease of his breath brought by the affair the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt" -> the warmth of the kitchen's smells melt his faltering breath brought by the affair. Or "melt the uneasiness in his breath".


    Haha, not sure my suggestions can be apply since I don't understand the original text. Take this for what it is, humble suggestions and not a critique of your work :)
  • edited November 2015
    It's clear to me that you are not a native English speaker (or am I wrong?). That being said like other people have pointed out you should stick to simpler prose and not go overboard on the descriptions lest they drown out the more important details that you want to express.

    If I had to choose one, paragraph 2 is best, because it's the shortest and it has a few less errors than the other two.


    Opening the door, the creaking floor has him wondering if a mouse has 
    gone by, but he sees nothing among the shadows. The creaking floor 
    unlevels his steps, but he need not run, but simply move. The flare in 
    his nose causes him stutter in his breath. Easing his cold, the warmth 
    of kitchen’s smells can be felt just outside the doorway. 


    I would change it into:

    As he beckoned to open the door, creaking noises could be heard from the hallway outside; it had him wondering if perhaps a mouse had scurried by. Stepping out into the empty corridor, a warm smell emanated from the kitchen down the hall/below the stairs (whichever one it is), soothing his chilled body.

    As you can see it's much shorter. There's no need to say that he didn't see the mouse if you can show that the hallway was empty when he stepped out (stepping out into the empty corridor), so that's two birds with one stone. I felt that your sentence "The creaking floor unlevels his steps, but he need not run, but simply move." didn't make much sense. I assume that by "unlevels" you mean unbalances? but why would a floor that creaks make you lose your balance? Why would he be running instead of walking to legitimize the distinction made between the two? 

  • Tasear said:

    Revised Version


    The darkness recedes into the shadows allowing the moonlight to brighten his surroundings. Giving him the strength to rise from his shivers, and confront the days ahead.

    Taking not notice of whispers that plagued his night. A passing wind takes the sweat from his eyes. Releasing his breath, the pressing cold calls for him to return to the blanket once more. He is due elsewhere.

    Swift sensations dwelling amidst the air, he bare not care for other affairs once his he heard his belly rumbling. Sanding his hands, it takes not even moment to stand. Without looking aback he brings himself closer.


    Opening his door, the creaking floor echoes his steps, but need not run, but simply move. Crossing by the shadows, a stir in the wind has him wondering if a mouse has gone by, but he sees the nothing among the darkness. Stumbling in his breath, a flare in his nose traps him forward. Shuttering no more, beside the doorway, the ease of his breath brought by the affair, the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt.

    Giving him strength to overcome/dominate his shivers/fear and face the forthcoming day.
    Not taking notice of the whispers that fill/consume the night.

    A cold gentle wind brush the sweat off his eyes.
    Letting out a sigh, the bitter cold drive/exert him to return under the warmth of his blanket (eliminate "once more" since we already use "return" here, it makes it redundant).
    He is expected elsewhere.

    "Swift sensations" -> need to stipulate what kind of sensations so as to select a better word than swift.

    "dwelling amidst the air" -> linger in the air

    "he bare not care for other affairs" -­­> He did not care for other affairs 

    "Sanding his hands" -> I don't understand the use of "sanding" here. Did you mean "sending" instead, or something akin to rubbing his hand together perhaps? If it's sending as in using his hands to support him up, I'd use the words "leaning on his hands".

    "Without looking aback he brings himself closer" -> Need to replace "aback" here for something clearer of the intention. 

    "Opening his door" -> Opening the door
    "but need not run" -> without haste
    "but simply move" -> calmly advance

    "Crossing by the shadows" -> Walking by the shadows
    "a stir in the wind" -> a whirl/shuffle in the wind
    "has him wondering if a mouse has gone by" -> had him wondering if a mouse had pass by
    "but he sees the nothing among the darkness" -> but he couldn't see anything under the cover of the darkness
    "Stumbling in his breath" -> With a faltering breath
    "a flare in his nose traps him forward" -> he flare up his nose and walk forward
    "Shuttering no more" -> Not hesitating anymore
    "the ease of his breath brought by the affair the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt" -> the warmth of the kitchen's smells melt his faltering breath brought by the affair. Or "melt the uneasiness in his breath".


    Haha, not sure my suggestions can be apply since I don't understand the original text. Take this for what it is, humble suggestions and not a critique of your work :)
    No this helps a lot. I am seeing what I couldn't see before.
  • pandaBee said:

    It's clear to me that you are not a native English speaker (or am I wrong?). That being said like other people have pointed out you should stick to simpler prose and not go overboard on the descriptions lest they drown out the more important details that you want to express.


    If I had to choose one, paragraph 2 is best, because it's the shortest and it has a few less errors than the other two.


    Opening the door, the creaking floor has him wondering if a mouse has 
    gone by, but he sees nothing among the shadows. The creaking floor 
    unlevels his steps, but he need not run, but simply move. The flare in 
    his nose causes him stutter in his breath. Easing his cold, the warmth 
    of kitchen’s smells can be felt just outside the doorway. 


    I would change it into:

    As he beckoned to open the door, creaking noises could be heard from the hallway outside; it had him wondering if perhaps a mouse had scurried by. Stepping out into the empty corridor, a warm smell emanated from the kitchen down the hall/below the stairs (whichever one it is), soothing his chilled body.

    As you can see it's much shorter. There's no need to say that he didn't see the mouse if you can show that the hallway was empty when he stepped out (stepping out into the empty corridor), so that's two birds with one stone. I felt that your sentence "The creaking floor unlevels his steps, but he need not run, but simply move." didn't make much sense. I assume that by "unlevels" you mean unbalances? but why would a floor that creaks make you lose your balance? Why would he be running instead of walking to legitimize the distinction made between the two? 




    You are not the first to say that but unfortunately, English is
    my first language. So I don't have excuse. I am simply a confused
    writer, trying to make sense of her self.

    Well, it looks like I
    was badly mixing prose and poetry into my writing. Seeing two previous
    edits on the paragraph,  I can better notice the questionable choices in
    sentence structure and flow. I get it now ,how I got caught up in the words.

    The answer to your question is yes. I did use a made up form to word "unlevel". It was done purposeful to align current and past events where he is unable to psychically move or thoughtful move. I was trying to make use of both meanings the world "unlevel". Sighs... I also thought this made sense, because creaking board is unlevel board caused by water damage. If a person stands on the board, they will notice that's not leveled like the others.

    Thank you for helping me notice my disorganized sentence flow.

    Tasear said:

    Revised Version


    The darkness recedes into the shadows allowing the moonlight to brighten his surroundings. Giving him the strength to rise from his shivers, and confront the days ahead.

    Taking not notice of whispers that plagued his night. A passing wind takes the sweat from his eyes. Releasing his breath, the pressing cold calls for him to return to the blanket once more. He is due elsewhere.

    Swift sensations dwelling amidst the air, he bare not care for other affairs once his he heard his belly rumbling. Sanding his hands, it takes not even moment to stand. Without looking aback he brings himself closer.


    Opening his door, the creaking floor echoes his steps, but need not run, but simply move. Crossing by the shadows, a stir in the wind has him wondering if a mouse has gone by, but he sees the nothing among the darkness. Stumbling in his breath, a flare in his nose traps him forward. Shuttering no more, beside the doorway, the ease of his breath brought by the affair, the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt.

    Giving him strength to overcome/dominate his shivers/fear and face the forthcoming day.
    Not taking notice of the whispers that fill/consume the night.

    A cold gentle wind brush the sweat off his eyes.
    Letting out a sigh, the bitter cold drive/exert him to return under the warmth of his blanket (eliminate "once more" since we already use "return" here, it makes it redundant).
    He is expected elsewhere.

    "Swift sensations" -> need to stipulate what kind of sensations so as to select a better word than swift.

    "dwelling amidst the air" -> linger in the air

    "he bare not care for other affairs" -­­> He did not care for other affairs 

    "Sanding his hands" -> I don't understand the use of "sanding" here. Did you mean "sending" instead, or something akin to rubbing his hand together perhaps? If it's sending as in using his hands to support him up, I'd use the words "leaning on his hands".

    "Without looking aback he brings himself closer" -> Need to replace "aback" here for something clearer of the intention. 

    "Opening his door" -> Opening the door
    "but need not run" -> without haste
    "but simply move" -> calmly advance

    "Crossing by the shadows" -> Walking by the shadows
    "a stir in the wind" -> a whirl/shuffle in the wind
    "has him wondering if a mouse has gone by" -> had him wondering if a mouse had pass by
    "but he sees the nothing among the darkness" -> but he couldn't see anything under the cover of the darkness
    "Stumbling in his breath" -> With a faltering breath
    "a flare in his nose traps him forward" -> he flare up his nose and walk forward
    "Shuttering no more" -> Not hesitating anymore
    "the ease of his breath brought by the affair the warmth of kitchen’s smells can melt" -> the warmth of the kitchen's smells melt his faltering breath brought by the affair. Or "melt the uneasiness in his breath".


    Haha, not sure my suggestions can be apply since I don't understand the original text. Take this for what it is, humble suggestions and not a critique of your work :)
    Thanks again, this helped me notice my word choices.
  • Tasear said:

    Thanks again, this helped me notice my word choices. 

    Np ;-)
  • Taking a break with Orson story by writing this cute short story about a girl and her bear. Come read it here. :)
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